bloggie stalkers

i have just now coined a new term for those of you who call, text, or facebook message me asking for me to update my blog.

i would have updated more recently but honestly not a darn thing has been happening.

i get up at 7 with Saylor, go to work at 11, go to job numero dos at 330 then sleep. i am lame.

oh and at 730 pm i take my pill. YAY.

since we last spoke a few minor things of extreme importance have happened.

Stacy Hannah has officially relocated (however she is coming back to wilm to visit tomorrow YAY no seriously double YAY!)

Christine has taken the LSAT and kicked its butt.

Hannah, Amy, their boys and Steven are coming to visit this weekend!!!!!! i am so excited i haven't seen them since Hannah's wedding (minus hannah, i saw her immediately after my diagnosis bc she is so freaking awesome) ...two full days of them! now if only i knew how to entertain them, apparently steven wants to kayak surf...hmmm.

As days pass i am getting more and more excited about my D.C. trip. i even spent sunday evening in my edit bay watching Dane Cook's a vicious circle to brush up in preparation of being in Alli Bottoms presence (its DC!!) haha what a pun.
anyway and i discovered that Stacy Hannah should also be in the area along with Joey I at the same time i am! that makes me incredibly happy!

i've been staying pretty upbeat for those that are wondering about my mental state.
(had a rough day yesterday...but i took a nap and was much better)
as i was telling someone at the tv station today its been nice being on this pill so i can maintain my sense of normality. (or possibly keep myself in denial longer...whatever you want to call it) i'm taking whatever keeps me feeling the most positive and running with it.

this past weekend to celebrate Chrissy's release from studying we went downtown with Drew and Jamie and some of their friends from raleigh whom i did not know...can i tell you how awesome it was to be out with people who had no idea that i had cancer. bc i dont know if you have noticed but october is Breast Cancer Awareness month...and it seems like everyday there is something somewhere about breast cancer. today it was on the news...yesterday it was on the news...the story yesterday opened with the line that "breast cancer is no laughing matter" whoops i did NOT get that memo...that was not part of what Dr. K told me...silly me laughing my way through this entire ordeal....(ok, to be honest i have had a few hellacious days where i was crying or biting people's (i.e. nurses) heads off) and that is quite the opposite of laughing. i'll give them that. but regardless i have even discovered that when i'm telling someone i kind of laugh. i dont know if it's out of nerves (bc who likes bearing bad news?) or to lighten the mood of the moment (bc again, bad news is a DOWNER) but i do...i almost giggle, probably to keep the other person from bursting into tears and leaving ME to handle the incredibly awkward moment.

because even before cancer i did not do well with bad news. giving it or receiving it. i supposed when it comes to that sort of thing i am a pretty private person. i try not to do a lot of crying in front of other people. its not good for my reputation. (unless apparently its over a haircut...)

for someone with nothing to say i've certainly made this blog last a while.

oh and ps keep sending cards! i'm beating everyone else in the mail department and i'd like to keep it that way :) thanks for everything!

i'm going on a picnic and bringing apples

do you remember that game...where each player adds something to the list that starts with the next letter of the alphabet...but the catch is that on your turn before you add something you have to recite the whole list...which by the end of the game can be pretty difficult.

(we played this game once on the way back from Duke for a AKPsi mixer)

anyway...the point is...i am not going on a picnic but i AM going to washington d.c.

and i'm going to bring a lot of things. i dont pack lightly (too many shoes).

but i'm more concerned about what i'm going to do when i get there...

so let the suggestions begin. i am open. and i am touristy!



so. stacy hannah's going away shindig was sad (for me).

also. i would like to take a moment to say some words of encouragement to my best friend Chrissy... you are going to kick some LSAT butt. and then you are going to get into Carolina's law program and become a rich attorney. and i will be your housesitter for your beach house. i love you.

ok done.

tonight there was a beautiful sunset by the way...hope you guys saw it.

keyboard replacement equals frequent bloggies

i blame my two updates in a row on my dad finally hooking up the new keyboard (wireless...snazzy i know) i wanted to test it out...see if it was as noisy and clickity clackity as the last one...

it is not.
it is quite silent. which is a nice.

First of all i have to say this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY ADELAIDE & TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is the first year since probably 10th grade that i have not been with at least one of them to celebrate the glorious day of their births 2 years apart. i miss you guys and love you an obscene amount. (ps had dinner at your house tonight...made me miss you both even more)


Next i wanted to say:
today was a good day.

the ONLY thing raining on my little parade is the Stacy Hannah Relocation Project of 2008.
she is leaving me :(
but i do know this.........she can do anything she puts her mind to. she will grab DC by the tail and swing it overhead shouting war chants in mere months. maybe weeks even. i know she hasn't heard it from many people but...

i believe in you.

just like you believe in me.

that is just what best friends do.

today was NOT the best day ever

so i dont know if i have mentioned the ongoing joke between sports kevin and myself about everyday being the best day ever. (if not i hope it was self explainatory)

with that said today was not a best day.

quite the opposite.

today started out pretty humdrum normal...get up with puppy then sit on the couch until time to head off to the great land of hamburgers.

work was good until a friend made a bad joke at the wrong time in the midst of a terrible situation about how i was flaunting my cancer. now i have known this kid for years. and i know it wasn't meant the way it sounded. but honestly it put me off just a bit to hear someone actually say those words to me. and if i have been flaunting it for the love of all that is good i would hope someone would tell me (in a more delicate fashion) so that i could promptly put all flaunting to an end. that is the last thing i want to do. but if that is how my method of coping comes across i seriously would like to know so i can remedy the situation. i feel like its hard to take me seriously as someone with cancer when i'm not barfing or bald. and i'm definitely making a tremendous effort to carry on as if my world has not changed. yeah i think about the future and what it might have in store for me. and if the decisions we are making are the right ones. but i can't possibly think that i am flaunting it. flaunt has such a negative connotation. and negative is the last thing i need right now. especially when i find myself getting moodier and testier as time passes. positivity and sunshine only here folks!
if you can't find me a silver lining you are out of here.
if you aren't willing to go along with my jokes peace out.
if you can't maintain a happy go lucky demeanor then adios.
life is too short.

really.

it is short.

and so now i'm trying to fit in all these things that i really WANT to do.
especially now, while i can. first on my list...DC. trip planning is already in the works.

i have always been a very laid back person. floating with the current no matter the season. and just because my summer changed before i was ready for it to does not mean that it too cannot be another beautiful autumn.

nothing new

so it has begun. i am on the pill. i am moody, tired, almost barfy, and already tired of remembering to take it.

Tamoxifen is supposed to shrink/get rid of my cancer.

sounds lame. but here's hoping it works!

nothing new really to talk about...my family is still awesome, my friends are still the best, my puppy still wakes me up at all hours of the night. it's wierd...some days i forget that i have cancer...other days its all i can talk or think about. and there's really nothing earthshattering that is going to happen until its time for my surgery. so until then i take this little white thing and get hot flashes. (i should not being having to worry about menopause yet!)

OH! today Alison Goins came to town to have lunch with me!!! i've missed my twinnie!
(we were both hired at the same time at PTs...we're both short with blonde hair...people got us confused...still do apparently) and thinking of twinnie always gets me pumped for the christmas party (not too far away actually!) and the party always gets me pumped for the holiday season! yay presents! yay christmas movies! this is a terrible post and i apologize for making you all read it.

ps i also want to complain about how terrible the game was today...i had to leave my edit bay before i threw something through the tv monitor...they better shape up for homecoming!

slight delay

hey guys sorry its been so long but our house computer has broken and my laptop and wireless do not get along...(probably bc i'm stealing it)

anyway...i'll update you guys as soon as possible. love youuu all.

all the world is a Stage

so tuesday night in a cold damp drizzle my parents and I loaded up the car bid farewell to stacy and the animals then headed west toward the great tar hell mecca of Chapel Hill. i'd tell you about the trip but i spent it with headphones on watching movies on the portable dvd player.


(definately, maybe is such a cute movie! ryan reynolds is hot.) we stayed with some people who had been members of our church before they moved...(thanks betsy & bill!)


the next morning mom woke me up at 7 since my appointment was at 9 and we needed to have some breakfast. which we had at Foster's...delish...then off to unc...skipping ahead to 9 and my actual appointment.





She was french. Cecile somethingorother. Ashley her intern did most of the talking. Trying to convince me to take a test that would look for genetic mutations...(or secretly maybe they want to clone me...cool! just call me dolly (the first cloned sheep) can you imagine ANOTHER one of me? scaryyyy)

ok...i have been working on this post for several days now...probably some writer's block of some sort...

i gave them blood for the test.
my brother eric and his family gave me a wonderful present.
(themselves)
i love surprises of this sort...i didn't know they were going to drive to chapel hill just to see little ole me! and Erika is the CUTEST kid on the planet. lucky for her i'm her cool aunt Kim who does not wear shoes :) you had to be there.

So its time to meet with Dr. C. i walk into the room (after everyone else bc i was getting my blood pressure and temp taken) and everyone is kind of sitting around this one guy...who introduces himself as Jeremiah (he was very very attractive) then Dr. C comes in and i kick the family out...(there is NO reason they should be in there if i am not wearing my own clothes...call me crazy but unless i'm in MY shirt...its just me and docs...sorry mom.) Now Dr. C and J both feel for lymphnodes then she leaves and its just me and hottie...and he about to look at my cancery boobs...what a turn on. (insert barf here)

basically they tell us the same things as my beloved Dr. K....chemo or pill...both will work in different fashions...then they explain that i have stage four cancer. stage four. stage four. this is one thing i am having issues with. stage four. its all i can think about basically. i have stage four cancer. apparently i will never be cured. i am treatable. i am managable. but i am not curable.

yes i know you are saying that miracles happen...and that God can accomplish great things. but the reason i couldn't finish this post is because i have stage FOUR cancer.

this angers me.

i want to yell it at people as they are walking by me on sidewalks.

I HAVE STAGE FOUR CANCER!

this is unfair. why not stage three or two...or better yet NO cancer.

STAGE 4. gross. i am all cancery and stuff.

since this discovery i have since spent an incredibly wonderful evening with jennifer who took me out for dinner then some shopping. (she is amazing...and the best listener on the planet)
(i love you jennifer!)

and i have worked at pts. and i have watched my football team lose to state. and i have sat in the edit bay. and i have eaten an ice cream sandwhich. i am about to meet the girls out. however;
i still have cancer.

i started my hormone pill yesterday (friday) it seems so silly that this little white pill will shrink a tumor that has attatched itself to my chest wall and is pushing into my skin. it has also spread to three other places...

stage four.

i used to like stages. in high school drama. now stages are stupid. but it is all i think about.