well. hi. Today i don't really have a cancer update...more of a life update. My next doc appointment isn't until friday...well actually i have an appointment on Monday with a shrink. a counselor. a pychiatrist (sp). a female listener. whatever you want to call it. I'm not sure if i mentioned in my last blog that my mom really wanted me to talk to someone about all that i had going on. and apparently my blog doesn't count as venting or talking or getting things off my chest. so as much as i'd like to think that my shrink just happens to be those who feel the need to read my ramblings...i am wrong according to my mother.
So this shrink lady is either going to be a really bad idea or a really good one. (i'll let you know after monday)
Also, a week and a half ago i got my new wheels. 06 Jeep Liberty of the silver variety.
It doesn't have a name yet but i'm getting a feel for it...For those interested Gilbert is sitting sadly under a tree. I will probably shed real tears when he's gone for good. (LOTS of good times in Gilbert, he's been loyal for 8 whole years...well when he wasn't breaking down on I-40 or smoking his way down highway 11... He's only been in one accident that i still blame on TJ and until recently had all of his hubcaps.) Jess and Chrissy probably spent the most time in my cherished taurus...its been the setting for tears and laughter...water fights and makeouts (not with jess or chrissy to clarify) i'm feeling sentimental.
Last Sunday I got a tattoo. Yep. A real one. Chrissy and I got matching pink ribbons on our left wrists. Rick at Cadillac Custom was incredibly generous with his time and extremely patient with two novices that had a firm idea of what they wanted their tattoo to look like in their mind. Poor guy sat with us for about an hour trying to iron out the details of the size and etc. Chrissy can be very demanding and detail oriented (without her this tattoo would have remained just a "good idea") And yes you're thinking to yourself "Kim got a tattoo? Doesn't she hate needles?"
Trust me...i was thinking the exact same thing...Luckily the needle thingy looks Nothing like an actual "the doctor is going to inject this thing into my vein" needle. So panic attack was kept at bay. I took a sip of wine, closed my eyes and sat really still for about 15 minutes. Then it was done. over. finished. and i was officially tatted up...Chrissy went second (which was good...her reaction would have had me running for the door) she laughed like a maniac ...which means that it hurt her. (i have some classic face pictures to use for blackmail now)
Basically this tattoo means that i can do anything.
you hear that?
I CAN DO ANYTHING!
i can get a tattoo with a severe hatred of needles.
it means that i can BEAT this stupid terrible horrific satanic grouping of abnormal cells.
i can fight. i can win.
and everytime i look down i'm reminded of that.
and i'm reminded that i'm not in this alone. My best friend has the exact same tattoo and she loves me enough to sit in that chair and have something permenantly marked on her body.
(i love you christine marie! and if these blogs ever become a book...you're getting a whole chapter to yourself plus a dedication)
Nothing else is really new. Relay for life is coming up (along with Jamie's wedding)
and My AKPsi brothers are being super awesome and having Just Cause 09 be a "kim's got cancer" thing. (it also means an ECU lovies reunion...YAY!)
see after writing this i'm feeling much better. i dont need a shrink.
maybe i'll pull a good will hunting and make some stuff up......
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Warning: the following may not be suitable for young children
No really, this post will probably be the most explicit. And the most angry (though i have chilled out considerably since friday morning). I apologize ahead of time for any use of profanity and if i start to make you uncomfortable with the frankness with which i talk about my boob...you can always click on the little X in the upper right corner of your screen. It will not hurt my feelings. I promise. That being said...
I'm not really sure where to start. Do i tell you about the appointment then explain what i Thought was going to happen? Or do i tell you what my expectations Were and you can watched them being dashed as i recount my fateful friday morning appointment.
In my small optimistic mind surgery was going to be my cure-all...yes the Dr. K and Becca had maybe mentioned that i would not really ever be cured...and mom and dad tried to explain that cancer would be something i had to deal with the rest of my life...But deep down i figured they were all wrong. I would have a double masectomy and all of my troubles would be over with...no boobs equals no cancer...sitting in the large waiting area of the surgery floor i was thinking the appointment would be a piece of cake. I walk in, she tells me when surgery is, I walk out...no biggie.
Instead, my surgeon (Dr. L) takes the blunt, direct approach and more forcefully than anyone before her hammers home the fact that i will not be cured. ever. not even with surgery. now that i have stage four breast cancer that has spread into bone cancer a clean bill of health is not in my future. For the first time since being diagnosed i was VERY angry with the midwife that batted my concerns aside when i was 22 which left my tumor another entire year to slowly develop and spread. I cursed her name (not specifically because i don't remember what it was...but you get the gist) and wished bodily harm upon her (not really but again you get the idea). Dr. L explains that we have 2 options.
Option 1- Have masectomy. which would leave me with only one boob on one side and a lone, long scar on the other. From there I would either...
a) wear a prothesis
b) convince and force a plastic surgeon to put in an implant
Then Dr. K would have to find a new way to keep track of what my other tumors are doing...most likely by PET scans and bone scans.
Option 2- Not have masectomy. This would make it easier to track the progress of the medicine.
Dr. L asked me a few very good thought provoking questions that she thought would make the decision making process easier.
1) Does it hurt physically?
2) Does it hurt pschyologically?
The answers were sometimes and sometimes.
It is not traumatizing for me to look at it every time i get out of the shower. But somedays I get tired of looking at it. I get tired of knowing that it is there. But the alternative of having only one breast sounds even worse. I AM ONLY 24! i am not some 50 year old (no offense) I want to be able to go to the beach in my favorite black bikini and not have this issue! I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE CANCER ANYMORE! I really just want it to go away. And as i'm having my shallow breakdown about not being able to feel normal or pretty or wear a bathing suit to the beach i start to cry. Because it is not fair. Its only the third time i've cried about Actually having cancer. The last time was when i got my hair cut (you can reread the previous blog on that if you have forgotten). I'm just a kid. and i want to have two boobs. Seriously. I dont want to take off my shirt and have one that's MIA. Its really hard to explain without sounding like a shallow ungrateful maniac. Some people have got it a lot worse than i do. But dammit i'm pissed. I want my idealistic cure-all back. And I do not want to have to live my life with stupid fucking cancer.
And i told my surgeon that it fucking sucks. And you know, she actually repeated the exact same sentiment in nearly the same words...minus the profanity of course...which is the first time a doctor has been honest...none of the "oh, we will fix you right up as long as your taking your meds and blah blah blah" she honestly told me that she could not make it better. And she was direct and sincere when she said "this really sucks"
So since she hadnt seen my boob since the day she diagnosed me she wanted to take a look to see if she could see any progress. And when she did the ultrasound she said that it looked like it had shrunk a lot. But it was shrinking from my chest wall out so the tumor was now concentrated mostly under my nipple. And being the brilliant surgeon that she is said she could do a lumpectomy (or more accurately a nipple-ectomy, though that is not a real medical term) where she would remove the nipple and the majority of the tumor that was below it. So i would have a horizontal scar going across my boob....but i would still have one! well i would have two total...but i would get to keep this boob and not be in the hospital for days or in tons of pain from a masectomy and reconstruction. And i would still be able to wear my bikini when summer hits. (Yay!)
But we have to run this all by Dr. K on the 6th when i have my monthly appointment.
And i'm still weighing all of my options and all of the pros and cons.
Maybe i'll make a Venn Diagram (haha those actually look like a set of boobs overlapping).
I'm not really sure where to start. Do i tell you about the appointment then explain what i Thought was going to happen? Or do i tell you what my expectations Were and you can watched them being dashed as i recount my fateful friday morning appointment.
In my small optimistic mind surgery was going to be my cure-all...yes the Dr. K and Becca had maybe mentioned that i would not really ever be cured...and mom and dad tried to explain that cancer would be something i had to deal with the rest of my life...But deep down i figured they were all wrong. I would have a double masectomy and all of my troubles would be over with...no boobs equals no cancer...sitting in the large waiting area of the surgery floor i was thinking the appointment would be a piece of cake. I walk in, she tells me when surgery is, I walk out...no biggie.
Instead, my surgeon (Dr. L) takes the blunt, direct approach and more forcefully than anyone before her hammers home the fact that i will not be cured. ever. not even with surgery. now that i have stage four breast cancer that has spread into bone cancer a clean bill of health is not in my future. For the first time since being diagnosed i was VERY angry with the midwife that batted my concerns aside when i was 22 which left my tumor another entire year to slowly develop and spread. I cursed her name (not specifically because i don't remember what it was...but you get the gist) and wished bodily harm upon her (not really but again you get the idea). Dr. L explains that we have 2 options.
Option 1- Have masectomy. which would leave me with only one boob on one side and a lone, long scar on the other. From there I would either...
a) wear a prothesis
b) convince and force a plastic surgeon to put in an implant
Then Dr. K would have to find a new way to keep track of what my other tumors are doing...most likely by PET scans and bone scans.
Option 2- Not have masectomy. This would make it easier to track the progress of the medicine.
Dr. L asked me a few very good thought provoking questions that she thought would make the decision making process easier.
1) Does it hurt physically?
2) Does it hurt pschyologically?
The answers were sometimes and sometimes.
It is not traumatizing for me to look at it every time i get out of the shower. But somedays I get tired of looking at it. I get tired of knowing that it is there. But the alternative of having only one breast sounds even worse. I AM ONLY 24! i am not some 50 year old (no offense) I want to be able to go to the beach in my favorite black bikini and not have this issue! I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE CANCER ANYMORE! I really just want it to go away. And as i'm having my shallow breakdown about not being able to feel normal or pretty or wear a bathing suit to the beach i start to cry. Because it is not fair. Its only the third time i've cried about Actually having cancer. The last time was when i got my hair cut (you can reread the previous blog on that if you have forgotten). I'm just a kid. and i want to have two boobs. Seriously. I dont want to take off my shirt and have one that's MIA. Its really hard to explain without sounding like a shallow ungrateful maniac. Some people have got it a lot worse than i do. But dammit i'm pissed. I want my idealistic cure-all back. And I do not want to have to live my life with stupid fucking cancer.
And i told my surgeon that it fucking sucks. And you know, she actually repeated the exact same sentiment in nearly the same words...minus the profanity of course...which is the first time a doctor has been honest...none of the "oh, we will fix you right up as long as your taking your meds and blah blah blah" she honestly told me that she could not make it better. And she was direct and sincere when she said "this really sucks"
So since she hadnt seen my boob since the day she diagnosed me she wanted to take a look to see if she could see any progress. And when she did the ultrasound she said that it looked like it had shrunk a lot. But it was shrinking from my chest wall out so the tumor was now concentrated mostly under my nipple. And being the brilliant surgeon that she is said she could do a lumpectomy (or more accurately a nipple-ectomy, though that is not a real medical term) where she would remove the nipple and the majority of the tumor that was below it. So i would have a horizontal scar going across my boob....but i would still have one! well i would have two total...but i would get to keep this boob and not be in the hospital for days or in tons of pain from a masectomy and reconstruction. And i would still be able to wear my bikini when summer hits. (Yay!)
But we have to run this all by Dr. K on the 6th when i have my monthly appointment.
And i'm still weighing all of my options and all of the pros and cons.
Maybe i'll make a Venn Diagram (haha those actually look like a set of boobs overlapping).
Saturday, February 7, 2009
a Roast Beef sandwhich
I know...there is much less time passed between this post and the previous one. But that is because i have something interesting to say. or something that i want to say.
Monday night Granny passed away.
Now she wasn't my granny by biological standards but whenever i addressed her...it was as Granny. I have worked for Joe Pate for 5 years...and all of those 5 years Granny would come in during the week and bring Joe some magazines for the shop and grab a pepsi (or water if she had a doctor's appointment) but i really remember her coming in most Sundays after church to have a roast beef sandwhich at the bar with Bob or with the rest of the family. I was there when D.L. passed away who was her son...and i was extremely sad when Joe informed me at the beginning of august that she had been diagnosed with cancer. Wednesday afternoon i stood in the florist's shop and agonized over what sort of flower, plant, bush, basket, etc to have sent over to the funeral home for the visitiation. This was my first venture of this sort and i did not want to pick the wrong thing. Just the mere thought of picking the wrong one was sending me into a panic. My first time having to choose what a grieving family would receive in the face of something so terrible. When papa passed away i was devastated but away at school and it was easier to not think of these small details. With billy and memaw i was just on the outskirts not really involved with either...But i know that someone has got to care a lot to spend the time thinking of all of the small details such as which flowers and so on. And not to take a turn for the depressing but i hope people think enough of me to take time to pick out the right flowers to send. I send hydrangeas...pink...in a basket with a pink bow. Because they made me think of her. And roast beef sandwhiches. And sundays sitting at the bar. And they made me think of my grandparents and uncle and how hard it is to do the right thing in that situation. But if you care enough, and if you make even the smallest of efforts it goes a very long way.
enough of that. Onto my cancer.
Had a check up with Dr. K on friday...things are looking nice and stable (his words not mine) he says i seem to be tolerating treatment well which is a wonderful sign (again his words not mine) well maybe he didn't say wonderful but you catch my drift. here is what he or we discussed
1) Before my shot my tumor marker went down by four...After my shot it went down by NINE. which is freakin awesome i think. He would like for me to do another round of testing (i.e. more sweetlife blogs to read) so we can see exactly how much the tumor has shrunk. the tumor marker started at 86 and is now down to 46 so he's eager to see what we've got going on next month.
2) He would like me to be a part of a trial that UNC is doing with Tamoxifen which would mean monthly trips to Franklin!!! YAY!
3) I meet with my surgeon on the 20th for a consult to get her opinion on a timeline and etc. for surgery (yay for getting new uncancer-y boobs! eventually. not immediately.)
I also asked him for some uppers to combat my fatigue. He said he could not assist me.
Bummer.
Monday night Granny passed away.
Now she wasn't my granny by biological standards but whenever i addressed her...it was as Granny. I have worked for Joe Pate for 5 years...and all of those 5 years Granny would come in during the week and bring Joe some magazines for the shop and grab a pepsi (or water if she had a doctor's appointment) but i really remember her coming in most Sundays after church to have a roast beef sandwhich at the bar with Bob or with the rest of the family. I was there when D.L. passed away who was her son...and i was extremely sad when Joe informed me at the beginning of august that she had been diagnosed with cancer. Wednesday afternoon i stood in the florist's shop and agonized over what sort of flower, plant, bush, basket, etc to have sent over to the funeral home for the visitiation. This was my first venture of this sort and i did not want to pick the wrong thing. Just the mere thought of picking the wrong one was sending me into a panic. My first time having to choose what a grieving family would receive in the face of something so terrible. When papa passed away i was devastated but away at school and it was easier to not think of these small details. With billy and memaw i was just on the outskirts not really involved with either...But i know that someone has got to care a lot to spend the time thinking of all of the small details such as which flowers and so on. And not to take a turn for the depressing but i hope people think enough of me to take time to pick out the right flowers to send. I send hydrangeas...pink...in a basket with a pink bow. Because they made me think of her. And roast beef sandwhiches. And sundays sitting at the bar. And they made me think of my grandparents and uncle and how hard it is to do the right thing in that situation. But if you care enough, and if you make even the smallest of efforts it goes a very long way.
enough of that. Onto my cancer.
Had a check up with Dr. K on friday...things are looking nice and stable (his words not mine) he says i seem to be tolerating treatment well which is a wonderful sign (again his words not mine) well maybe he didn't say wonderful but you catch my drift. here is what he or we discussed
1) Before my shot my tumor marker went down by four...After my shot it went down by NINE. which is freakin awesome i think. He would like for me to do another round of testing (i.e. more sweetlife blogs to read) so we can see exactly how much the tumor has shrunk. the tumor marker started at 86 and is now down to 46 so he's eager to see what we've got going on next month.
2) He would like me to be a part of a trial that UNC is doing with Tamoxifen which would mean monthly trips to Franklin!!! YAY!
3) I meet with my surgeon on the 20th for a consult to get her opinion on a timeline and etc. for surgery (yay for getting new uncancer-y boobs! eventually. not immediately.)
I also asked him for some uppers to combat my fatigue. He said he could not assist me.
Bummer.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
a Birthday surprise
So all of my friends are liars.
All of my family members are liars.
Even my co-workers are liars.
Very sneaky people. ALL of them.
And i love them for it. I finally had my first surprise birthday party!
Now i've planned them...which is totally different. I remember steven programming me into his phone as "mom" to get misha to his house for the one we had planned for him senior year of high school. But, i'm not a fan of surprises. But only because i do not relish the idea of looking stupid.
Regardless, my family and friends were planning this for months and i had no idea whatsoever. I spent an entire four days with Hannah who was secretly talking to Chrissy right in front of me and i was clueless. (shows how intelligent i am) all of these people pitched in to do something nice for me. and with the turnout that we had i'm feeling slightly more popular than usual. PTs was packed full of people who love me and care about my well being and want me to be happy.
What an amazing support group!
speaking of which my mom wants me to think about joining one.But i think for now i'm ok without. (just a sidenote)
Back to my own awesome support group...I appreciate everyone taking the time out of their friday night to stop by. I appreciate the cards, and etc that people gave or sent. I hope that everyone knows how much they mean to me even if i am unable to say it in person.
Ok enough about my birthday...(which lasted all weekend!) ok well really fast i want to say a quick i love you to Christine Deaver who more than made up for not making it to my 21st birthday three years ago when she was abroad in london (i will never mention it again) Saturday night was amazingggg and Sunday night you were a bad influence.
Oh and i quick thank you and i love you to all of the bffs who travelled to wilmington in order to celebrate my birthday with me in person. And a quick I still love you to all of those who had made plans to come that were interupted by meanie bosses and other unforseeable events.
OK really i'm finished on my birthday.
On to cancer...Last appointment was boring. I had a lab nurse who sucked and blew the vein out in my hand then another who had to try twice to stab me to get blood while i silently shed many a tear...nurse number two suggested that we put a note on my file saying that i should have my blood drawn through my port. (i thought this was brilliant and wondered why it hadn't been suggested before) also, doc says that things look the same...tumor marker went down but there is still no real physical change. Other than my really freaking awesome hot flashes.
Hot flashes. God's curse upon me. Do you know how hard it is to sleep while you are on fire? PRETTY DAMN HARD! i do not ever want to die in a house fire or from heat stroke. it is torturous! trying to find a cool spot on the sheets is like hunting for a needle in a haystack. Then after i finally find one the hot flash is over and i'm freezing and shivering like i'm sitting at the north pole!
Oh and then my arm was bothering me so Mom freaks out which leads to her insisting that i call Marie (doc's nurse...my fav) who talked to Becca (the PA) who insisted i come in for a little looksie. She and Doc then suggested that i have a ultrasound doplar thingy done of my arm to see if it was possibly a blood clot (which would have been a very bad side effect since they can kill you) so i go to the appointment which was in the middle of my two day cancer depression and i was kinda rude to the nurses at the front desk (i apologize profusely) and then this guy who was very chatty put me in a cold room on a cold table and smeared cold goo on my arm and neck...he found nothing. but he asked me a lot of questions that i tried to answer through chattering teeth. when that was over i got to go pick up my rental car and cruise west to Winston Salem for a four day vacation with Hannah. A well timed one at that since i was starting to relish the funk i was in. But i was on my phone checking my email that day when i received one from the one and only Al Dame. It was a quick one. Just to say he was thinking Good Thoughts for me. and i was instantly more cheerful. Al also has the dreaded C word...and its been wonderfully thearaputic to send short emails back and forth saying hey thinking of you and stay positive. Because it means that someone is out there feeling the same as me...and rooting for me nevertheless...even with all of the stuff he has going on. (I think of you often Big Al! I love you!)
and i know that there are lots more people who feel like i do. So if you're one of them...I'm thinking good thoughts for you. (obviously they are generic since i'm not exactly sure who you are...) but they are good thoughts regardless. And even if you dont have cancer...i'm thinking good thoughts for you too. (Everyone needs them at some point or another)
So i have another check up on the 6th. And i'm heading to Chapel Hill for another genetic test on the 13th. whoo hoo.
All of my family members are liars.
Even my co-workers are liars.
Very sneaky people. ALL of them.
And i love them for it. I finally had my first surprise birthday party!
Now i've planned them...which is totally different. I remember steven programming me into his phone as "mom" to get misha to his house for the one we had planned for him senior year of high school. But, i'm not a fan of surprises. But only because i do not relish the idea of looking stupid.
Regardless, my family and friends were planning this for months and i had no idea whatsoever. I spent an entire four days with Hannah who was secretly talking to Chrissy right in front of me and i was clueless. (shows how intelligent i am) all of these people pitched in to do something nice for me. and with the turnout that we had i'm feeling slightly more popular than usual. PTs was packed full of people who love me and care about my well being and want me to be happy.
What an amazing support group!
speaking of which my mom wants me to think about joining one.But i think for now i'm ok without. (just a sidenote)
Back to my own awesome support group...I appreciate everyone taking the time out of their friday night to stop by. I appreciate the cards, and etc that people gave or sent. I hope that everyone knows how much they mean to me even if i am unable to say it in person.
Ok enough about my birthday...(which lasted all weekend!) ok well really fast i want to say a quick i love you to Christine Deaver who more than made up for not making it to my 21st birthday three years ago when she was abroad in london (i will never mention it again) Saturday night was amazingggg and Sunday night you were a bad influence.
Oh and i quick thank you and i love you to all of the bffs who travelled to wilmington in order to celebrate my birthday with me in person. And a quick I still love you to all of those who had made plans to come that were interupted by meanie bosses and other unforseeable events.
OK really i'm finished on my birthday.
On to cancer...Last appointment was boring. I had a lab nurse who sucked and blew the vein out in my hand then another who had to try twice to stab me to get blood while i silently shed many a tear...nurse number two suggested that we put a note on my file saying that i should have my blood drawn through my port. (i thought this was brilliant and wondered why it hadn't been suggested before) also, doc says that things look the same...tumor marker went down but there is still no real physical change. Other than my really freaking awesome hot flashes.
Hot flashes. God's curse upon me. Do you know how hard it is to sleep while you are on fire? PRETTY DAMN HARD! i do not ever want to die in a house fire or from heat stroke. it is torturous! trying to find a cool spot on the sheets is like hunting for a needle in a haystack. Then after i finally find one the hot flash is over and i'm freezing and shivering like i'm sitting at the north pole!
Oh and then my arm was bothering me so Mom freaks out which leads to her insisting that i call Marie (doc's nurse...my fav) who talked to Becca (the PA) who insisted i come in for a little looksie. She and Doc then suggested that i have a ultrasound doplar thingy done of my arm to see if it was possibly a blood clot (which would have been a very bad side effect since they can kill you) so i go to the appointment which was in the middle of my two day cancer depression and i was kinda rude to the nurses at the front desk (i apologize profusely) and then this guy who was very chatty put me in a cold room on a cold table and smeared cold goo on my arm and neck...he found nothing. but he asked me a lot of questions that i tried to answer through chattering teeth. when that was over i got to go pick up my rental car and cruise west to Winston Salem for a four day vacation with Hannah. A well timed one at that since i was starting to relish the funk i was in. But i was on my phone checking my email that day when i received one from the one and only Al Dame. It was a quick one. Just to say he was thinking Good Thoughts for me. and i was instantly more cheerful. Al also has the dreaded C word...and its been wonderfully thearaputic to send short emails back and forth saying hey thinking of you and stay positive. Because it means that someone is out there feeling the same as me...and rooting for me nevertheless...even with all of the stuff he has going on. (I think of you often Big Al! I love you!)
and i know that there are lots more people who feel like i do. So if you're one of them...I'm thinking good thoughts for you. (obviously they are generic since i'm not exactly sure who you are...) but they are good thoughts regardless. And even if you dont have cancer...i'm thinking good thoughts for you too. (Everyone needs them at some point or another)
So i have another check up on the 6th. And i'm heading to Chapel Hill for another genetic test on the 13th. whoo hoo.
Friday, January 9, 2009
i am always hot
So before you guys become toooo upset i will apologize for my lack of blogging (i completely missed the month of december) I've been working an intense amount of hours and sleeping when i'm not at work. Quick recap...
Thanksgiving was good.
Christmas was even better.
i am officially in love with my family.
Christmas dinner we opened presents in the dark because the power was out.
But in traditional Miller style we made the most of it
Quick interlude: currently watching 27 dresses. its currently my favorite scene where they're singing bennie and the jets. so i'm currently laughing a lot.
ok back to christmas and such...so yes the recap conclusion is...I had a wonderful Holiday Season.
Ok for the real reason that you are here. to catch up on my cancer.
My December appointment led off with a rookie nurse doing my lab work (she actually hit the vein on try number one which was awesommme) Then while meeting with Dr. K found out that i am a poor processor of Tamoxifen so my body wasn't able to get the full benefits of the medicine which was why there was no real physical change in the tumor. So Dr. K decided he wanted to put me on the Lupron shot which essentially turns off my ovaries and sends me into menopause. It also gives me gnarly mood swings, terrible hot flashes and no menstrual cycles (yes i just used the term menstrual cycles from the stepping stones class in middle school) figured technical term would be less embarrassing...turns out its embarrassing regardless.
moving right along. since getting the shot I've been pretty unpleasant at times and i am always hot then freezing seconds later...at wect my coat goes on and off again dozens of times in the span of one news cast. its terribly inconvenient at the restaurant when i'm running in circles and can only take off so much clothing. the worst though is when i'm sleeping it feels like i'm waking up in the midst of a forest of flames. Sounds awesome...i know!
A second ago i was going through some pictures on facebook. And not even realizing it i started categorizing them as Pre- Cancer and During Cancer. August 20th 2008 such a defining moment. Before cancer i was heading back to school with my long flowing golden locks. Now i'm meeting with my oncologist every 4 weeks, in menopause, with kickass bangs, more sweatpants than a person really needs, taking naps at every and any opportunity and working a ridiculous amount of hours for someone with cancer.
I keep hearing that i'm an inspiration.
You know what i find inspiring?
all the people who put up with me. on a daily basis. it cannot be easy, or pleasant.
and all the people who have found the time to send good thoughts or prayers my way.
with so much more important things happening in the world today. i feel as though me and my boob cancer should be grateful that so many people are thinking of us. well you know...thinking of me. not necessarily thinking of my boob. or my cancer. oh geez you know what i mean.
I have another doc appointment tomorrow (well since its one in the morning technically today) i have my monthly check up so i promise to update sooner rather than later.
Thanksgiving was good.
Christmas was even better.
i am officially in love with my family.
Christmas dinner we opened presents in the dark because the power was out.
But in traditional Miller style we made the most of it
Quick interlude: currently watching 27 dresses. its currently my favorite scene where they're singing bennie and the jets. so i'm currently laughing a lot.
ok back to christmas and such...so yes the recap conclusion is...I had a wonderful Holiday Season.
Ok for the real reason that you are here. to catch up on my cancer.
My December appointment led off with a rookie nurse doing my lab work (she actually hit the vein on try number one which was awesommme) Then while meeting with Dr. K found out that i am a poor processor of Tamoxifen so my body wasn't able to get the full benefits of the medicine which was why there was no real physical change in the tumor. So Dr. K decided he wanted to put me on the Lupron shot which essentially turns off my ovaries and sends me into menopause. It also gives me gnarly mood swings, terrible hot flashes and no menstrual cycles (yes i just used the term menstrual cycles from the stepping stones class in middle school) figured technical term would be less embarrassing...turns out its embarrassing regardless.
moving right along. since getting the shot I've been pretty unpleasant at times and i am always hot then freezing seconds later...at wect my coat goes on and off again dozens of times in the span of one news cast. its terribly inconvenient at the restaurant when i'm running in circles and can only take off so much clothing. the worst though is when i'm sleeping it feels like i'm waking up in the midst of a forest of flames. Sounds awesome...i know!
A second ago i was going through some pictures on facebook. And not even realizing it i started categorizing them as Pre- Cancer and During Cancer. August 20th 2008 such a defining moment. Before cancer i was heading back to school with my long flowing golden locks. Now i'm meeting with my oncologist every 4 weeks, in menopause, with kickass bangs, more sweatpants than a person really needs, taking naps at every and any opportunity and working a ridiculous amount of hours for someone with cancer.
I keep hearing that i'm an inspiration.
You know what i find inspiring?
all the people who put up with me. on a daily basis. it cannot be easy, or pleasant.
and all the people who have found the time to send good thoughts or prayers my way.
with so much more important things happening in the world today. i feel as though me and my boob cancer should be grateful that so many people are thinking of us. well you know...thinking of me. not necessarily thinking of my boob. or my cancer. oh geez you know what i mean.
I have another doc appointment tomorrow (well since its one in the morning technically today) i have my monthly check up so i promise to update sooner rather than later.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
good news comes in small packages
i received a gift in the mail a few days ago that seriously brightened my day. inside of a small square cardboard box was a bracelet similar to the livestrong one except for neon lime green. it simply read
Cuck Fancer.
now to demonstrate how pure and innocent my family really is i had to explain what that REALLY meant to my grandmother, aunt myra and my mother. (here is where i insert that i hope you guys get the joke too...i would explain but my preacher is probably reading this) we all had a good chuckle as i opened the card that was on the bottom...so i'd like to say a quick thank you to James, Meredith, Will and Grace for the funniest gift that actually had the best message.
bc honestly i want to shout that phrase (in its correct form of course) all the time.
So i know i'm a week late with updating you guys on what happened at my doctors appointment last friday. not yesterday. but the one before that.
Met Mom for lunch at PTs since its her new friday lunch spot (i think she goes there so she can see me.) then we drove the 7 seconds to Dr. K's office...we were promptly summoned so they could stab me in the hand for three vials of my blood. i didn't cry. which is good. i'm getting better i think. Then we met with Becca, my PA, who did a quick check up. then it was off to the chemo room to get my Zomeda.
Zomeda is a bone strengthening drug. I'll be getting it once a month for who knows how long...but it takes 15 minutes to drip drop into my system via getting jabbed in the chest. (i actually do not mind the chest jabbing. i LOVE and ADORE and THANK GOD for my port) the only downfall to this Zomeda business is that it makes you sick the first time it is administered. which i thought it was pretty awesome that they let you know that up front...for example the last time they wanted to give it to me the day before i left for DC....not cool i said. so in true procrastinator fashion i put it off until this month. and without thinking scheduled myself at work at 8 am on saturday morning.
soon after it was finished entering into my bloodstream by way of port 'o happiness i felt sleepy...so i hightailed it home where soon i was getting some headache like symptoms.
which includes your head feeling like something is squashing it into a pancake. took some meds then slept all freaking evening (great way to catch up on zzzzzz's since i was just getting over a gnarly cold) the next morning i woke up thinking
yay no more sickness
i was wrong. 30 minutes into being at work i felt as if all of my body parts had been used as drumsticks at a rock show then placed back where they came from all bruise-y and throb-y. which is unpleasant to say the least. talk about your flu-like symptoms...i was tired, everything hurt (from fingernails to ankles) and i had to work an intensely long day. thankfully God was smiling down upon me and it wasn't too terribly busy. and Dustin let me leave WECT early too. which was freaking awesome.
The last time i had an appointment i had my lab results back the following monday...So monday afternoon i started calling mom in case they had called her since i am sort of impossible to reach. Same goes for tuesday...(by that afternoon i was on pins and needles. i am verrrrry impatient) wednesday morning at 830 am (on my one day to sleep in mind you) the nurse finally called with the results of my lab work...drumroll please.
it got smaller. again. which freaking ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!
it went from a 74 to a 59 which means the last results weren't a fluke. the tumor really is getting smaller and at a pretty fast rate too which is even better. so keep saying prayers and thinking good thoughts because they really are working. for serious! high fives all around! whoo hoo! i'll toast to that (well i'll toast to anything) but i'll really toast to my cancer disappearing!
so yeah, life is good. things with me are good. super jazzed about the holidays.
OH and i am SOOOO glad that i got to see everyone at Homecoming. Sunday as everyone was starting to separate and head to their respective cars to head back to whatever place they came from i totally pulled a girl move and got a little weepy. ok a lot weepy. but i LOVE those girls and i wish i could convince all of them to move here. (it comes with a beach and your very own Kim to love!) so to be a little sentimental thank you to Stephanie Larson for letting me read on your couch, Amy Fransen for letting me sleep on your couch and calling you super early for a ride, Alli & Emily Bottoms for sending me into hysterics of the laughing sort, Sarah Polli for suggesting lunch sunday, Mel P for standing with me in the corner at the party, LK Pruitt for knowing how i feel, and of course Hannah Swicegood Proctor for being the best best friend on the planet and suggesting the plastic wine glasses and having a husband who bought us matching coozies. i love ALL of you a crazy ridiculous amount.
and it was wonderful to see all of my AKPsi lovies. especially micheal (for saying that he missed me), eric anthony for coming from iowa and my great grand little for carrying on tradition :)
so i'll keep you guys posted...i'm sure the thanksgiving holiday should be one for the record books and it also helps that all of my crazy family will be in one place which usually adds up to a load of laughs. because lets be honest. we're funny people.
Cuck Fancer.
now to demonstrate how pure and innocent my family really is i had to explain what that REALLY meant to my grandmother, aunt myra and my mother. (here is where i insert that i hope you guys get the joke too...i would explain but my preacher is probably reading this) we all had a good chuckle as i opened the card that was on the bottom...so i'd like to say a quick thank you to James, Meredith, Will and Grace for the funniest gift that actually had the best message.
bc honestly i want to shout that phrase (in its correct form of course) all the time.
So i know i'm a week late with updating you guys on what happened at my doctors appointment last friday. not yesterday. but the one before that.
Met Mom for lunch at PTs since its her new friday lunch spot (i think she goes there so she can see me.) then we drove the 7 seconds to Dr. K's office...we were promptly summoned so they could stab me in the hand for three vials of my blood. i didn't cry. which is good. i'm getting better i think. Then we met with Becca, my PA, who did a quick check up. then it was off to the chemo room to get my Zomeda.
Zomeda is a bone strengthening drug. I'll be getting it once a month for who knows how long...but it takes 15 minutes to drip drop into my system via getting jabbed in the chest. (i actually do not mind the chest jabbing. i LOVE and ADORE and THANK GOD for my port) the only downfall to this Zomeda business is that it makes you sick the first time it is administered. which i thought it was pretty awesome that they let you know that up front...for example the last time they wanted to give it to me the day before i left for DC....not cool i said. so in true procrastinator fashion i put it off until this month. and without thinking scheduled myself at work at 8 am on saturday morning.
soon after it was finished entering into my bloodstream by way of port 'o happiness i felt sleepy...so i hightailed it home where soon i was getting some headache like symptoms.
which includes your head feeling like something is squashing it into a pancake. took some meds then slept all freaking evening (great way to catch up on zzzzzz's since i was just getting over a gnarly cold) the next morning i woke up thinking
yay no more sickness
i was wrong. 30 minutes into being at work i felt as if all of my body parts had been used as drumsticks at a rock show then placed back where they came from all bruise-y and throb-y. which is unpleasant to say the least. talk about your flu-like symptoms...i was tired, everything hurt (from fingernails to ankles) and i had to work an intensely long day. thankfully God was smiling down upon me and it wasn't too terribly busy. and Dustin let me leave WECT early too. which was freaking awesome.
The last time i had an appointment i had my lab results back the following monday...So monday afternoon i started calling mom in case they had called her since i am sort of impossible to reach. Same goes for tuesday...(by that afternoon i was on pins and needles. i am verrrrry impatient) wednesday morning at 830 am (on my one day to sleep in mind you) the nurse finally called with the results of my lab work...drumroll please.
it got smaller. again. which freaking ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!
it went from a 74 to a 59 which means the last results weren't a fluke. the tumor really is getting smaller and at a pretty fast rate too which is even better. so keep saying prayers and thinking good thoughts because they really are working. for serious! high fives all around! whoo hoo! i'll toast to that (well i'll toast to anything) but i'll really toast to my cancer disappearing!
so yeah, life is good. things with me are good. super jazzed about the holidays.
OH and i am SOOOO glad that i got to see everyone at Homecoming. Sunday as everyone was starting to separate and head to their respective cars to head back to whatever place they came from i totally pulled a girl move and got a little weepy. ok a lot weepy. but i LOVE those girls and i wish i could convince all of them to move here. (it comes with a beach and your very own Kim to love!) so to be a little sentimental thank you to Stephanie Larson for letting me read on your couch, Amy Fransen for letting me sleep on your couch and calling you super early for a ride, Alli & Emily Bottoms for sending me into hysterics of the laughing sort, Sarah Polli for suggesting lunch sunday, Mel P for standing with me in the corner at the party, LK Pruitt for knowing how i feel, and of course Hannah Swicegood Proctor for being the best best friend on the planet and suggesting the plastic wine glasses and having a husband who bought us matching coozies. i love ALL of you a crazy ridiculous amount.
and it was wonderful to see all of my AKPsi lovies. especially micheal (for saying that he missed me), eric anthony for coming from iowa and my great grand little for carrying on tradition :)
so i'll keep you guys posted...i'm sure the thanksgiving holiday should be one for the record books and it also helps that all of my crazy family will be in one place which usually adds up to a load of laughs. because lets be honest. we're funny people.
Monday, November 10, 2008
so you dont think something terrible has happened
i made it back to wilmington safely after an incredible long weekend in Greenville for homecoming.
it was freaking wonderfully fantastic to see everyone in one place.
and i love my friends. they are the coolest. and the best.
i have a doctor's appointment on friday so at that time i should have something interesting to say :)
also Joe P has requested that i mention my new responsiblities at work.
so i am going to mention that i now have new responsiblities. which require me to be there at a very very early hour.
it was freaking wonderfully fantastic to see everyone in one place.
and i love my friends. they are the coolest. and the best.
i have a doctor's appointment on friday so at that time i should have something interesting to say :)
also Joe P has requested that i mention my new responsiblities at work.
so i am going to mention that i now have new responsiblities. which require me to be there at a very very early hour.
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