I am not known for my punctuality. Or my perseverance.
I am more readily known for my procrastination and laid back (sometimes lazy) attitude.
But i figure better late than never right?
I'm actually not certain of who reads this. I could end up thanking the completely wrong audience. so I'll first say thanks to whomever finds themselves reading this. (thanks for being interested. and literate. and bored enough to check in)
I want to begin my thank yous with someone very specific. Someone who has been around my entire life. Someone who I can always talk to.
Myra is my mom's oldest sister. She kept me when I was a baby. I went to her graduation from some school when i was little in two different shoes (mom was in a hurry) She took me out to dinner every Friday night until stacy was old enough to go too, then we alternated. She always let me spend an obscene amount of time at Barnes and Noble. As i've gotten older especially when college hit we were unable to spend as much time together as we had before. But i've always known that she was there.
She may very well be the best person I know.
A kind, wise word. A funny inappropriate card. A quick chain email to say hello.
Saturday at the church fundraiser we talked about public speaking. Nothing too important. But she took the time to answer my questions. Thank you Myra. for being an inspiration and a good giggle. I love you.
(i am now currently shedding some tears...I remain completely baffled at how I got so lucky in the family department.)
I also want to thank my church. And the group of women who took the time to plan the fundraiser last saturday. Thank you for the time, energy, and love you guys continue to give to myself and my family.
And i want to thank my grandparent's church, the church i went to until middle school. The cards, prayers and giving are so appreciated.
So i haven't had any really awesome adventures lately other than Bonnaroo which was completely the most cool, amazing thing i will ever do (until next year).
First summer session of school went well...Made 2 B's...struggling a bit this session since i am currently despising my psych class. Doing well in public speaking though (which is surprising)
Made an A on my Bonnaroo speech.
My partner and I did our pursuasive speech on "Who is cooler? kim or will?"
i obviously won. (the class voted) I'm thinking we made an A on that one too.
My life consist of class, hw, HBO, and working on weekends.
So mom and I went to see the surgeon Dr. L when i got back from bonnaroo. Since mom mentioned to my PA that i was ready to look into surgery. Told Dr. L that i only wanted surgery if i could have matching boobs. (again let me stress i am only 24 and still shallow)
I'm talking tag teaming, passing of the baton (or in this case scapel), one operating room but two surgeries. One time hospital visit, one recuperation period.
and usually i don't get what I want, or ask for.
This time she said YES! yay!
So i met with the plastic surgeon (lots of women in the office looking to get things un cancer related...I was the youngest person by far, and it makes me wonder what they all thought i was doing there....or maybe they thought it was mom's appointment...haha)
And the plastic surgeon was super nice and he said he could hook me up with matching cancer free boobs. so double yay!
So after a few moved appointments and other associated drama...Surgery is August 11th at 7am
so mark your calenders, that tuesday i'm having a lumpectomy with accompaning reduction.
I'm sure during the recoup period i will have plenty to blog about.
A friend asked if i was nervous about the surgery...I'd say 60% nervous 40% excited
surgery is never fun, but i get new and improved boobs after this one so i'm totally in.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
a collegiate feel
So as many of you know i am currently back at school. Yep. school, college, university, classes I'm there. actually i am sitting in the library after taking a midterm killing time before my next class at 1145. and Yes i did go to my news beat and try to do some interviewing but i was passed off from person to person until i finally just gave them my phone number and begged for someone to call me this afternoon. which sucks. i am not cut out for reporting. i am not enough of a go-getter, i do not enjoy badgering people. I have no deep need to know everything about everything. But i certainly respect the job.
Ok so i know it has been awhile since i updated...hannah and several others have called and texted and pestered until finally here i am.
So since i last left you guys at least a month ago i will give you a brief quick reader's digest version of life since then.
I reapplied to get into school. I got in. I quit WECT. I stressed about money. We had Kim Day at PTs. (more on that later) I came to school. I started classes. I stressed about assignments. I took two tests. and here we are.
So for those of you who do not watch my tv station you missed out on the media circus that surrounded Kim Day at work. I am no longer the anonymous cancer patient i was content to remain. However, thanks to max and steve and everyone else who participated in turning me into a graphic and a news story for every broadcast, we had the busiest day ever at PTs.
Joe Pate was going to give me ten percent of the profits. (which is incredibly generous in these tough economic times) and wow did people come out and eat. which is extremely humbling. and overwhelming and embarrassing. but mostly humbling. I've got a pretty stellar support system. probably the most amazing group of people around me ever. on the planet. of all time. So i'll just say the day was a huge success for myself and Joe.
So 5 days afterwards i was walking around on campus. With books. and pens and pencils. Sitting in class and taking notes. After two years it feels strangely like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like i'm accomplishing something. Doing something that is monumentous. I still have nervous stressed out moments. I took a midterm this morning. I turned in an article last thursday. I'm having to put myself out there and interview strangers to write articles. Things i really never saw myself doing. Or thought i didn't care about doing. But I'm thinking that i've grown up a bit in the past two years. Or more specifically the past year. Carpe Diem. or whatnot. i'm seizing the day. I'm living life to the fullest. I want to do so much but at the same time nothing at all. No worries.
Thursday Stacy Hannah and I are going to Tennessee for Bonnaroo. She sent me a picture text saturday to show me that the tickets came in the mail.
Ok, on to the real reason you guys check this thing daily. A cancer update.
Yes i still have it...haha just kidding. well not kidding because i do still have cancer. you know what i mean.
At my last appointment i told Dr. K about how i wanted surgery. So he gave me the thumbs up and next friday i have an appointment with Dr. L about setting things up.
Had a CT scan done a few weeks ago that came back showing the tumor has shrunk by over half. and i'll probably start the drug trial with UNC sometime soon...basically they'll just double the dosage of my tamoxifen.
OH and i realized the other day i've been spelling Zomeda wrong for months...Its Zometa. or maybe the other way around....whichever way i've been spelling it the other one is the correct way.
So cancer stuff is good. School stuff is good. I still get to see my PTs people on weekends. And Stacy Hannah and I are going to hear a gillion awesome bands play for 4 days on a farm.
We'll find out if i like camping....
Ok so i know it has been awhile since i updated...hannah and several others have called and texted and pestered until finally here i am.
So since i last left you guys at least a month ago i will give you a brief quick reader's digest version of life since then.
I reapplied to get into school. I got in. I quit WECT. I stressed about money. We had Kim Day at PTs. (more on that later) I came to school. I started classes. I stressed about assignments. I took two tests. and here we are.
So for those of you who do not watch my tv station you missed out on the media circus that surrounded Kim Day at work. I am no longer the anonymous cancer patient i was content to remain. However, thanks to max and steve and everyone else who participated in turning me into a graphic and a news story for every broadcast, we had the busiest day ever at PTs.
Joe Pate was going to give me ten percent of the profits. (which is incredibly generous in these tough economic times) and wow did people come out and eat. which is extremely humbling. and overwhelming and embarrassing. but mostly humbling. I've got a pretty stellar support system. probably the most amazing group of people around me ever. on the planet. of all time. So i'll just say the day was a huge success for myself and Joe.
So 5 days afterwards i was walking around on campus. With books. and pens and pencils. Sitting in class and taking notes. After two years it feels strangely like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like i'm accomplishing something. Doing something that is monumentous. I still have nervous stressed out moments. I took a midterm this morning. I turned in an article last thursday. I'm having to put myself out there and interview strangers to write articles. Things i really never saw myself doing. Or thought i didn't care about doing. But I'm thinking that i've grown up a bit in the past two years. Or more specifically the past year. Carpe Diem. or whatnot. i'm seizing the day. I'm living life to the fullest. I want to do so much but at the same time nothing at all. No worries.
Thursday Stacy Hannah and I are going to Tennessee for Bonnaroo. She sent me a picture text saturday to show me that the tickets came in the mail.
Ok, on to the real reason you guys check this thing daily. A cancer update.
Yes i still have it...haha just kidding. well not kidding because i do still have cancer. you know what i mean.
At my last appointment i told Dr. K about how i wanted surgery. So he gave me the thumbs up and next friday i have an appointment with Dr. L about setting things up.
Had a CT scan done a few weeks ago that came back showing the tumor has shrunk by over half. and i'll probably start the drug trial with UNC sometime soon...basically they'll just double the dosage of my tamoxifen.
OH and i realized the other day i've been spelling Zomeda wrong for months...Its Zometa. or maybe the other way around....whichever way i've been spelling it the other one is the correct way.
So cancer stuff is good. School stuff is good. I still get to see my PTs people on weekends. And Stacy Hannah and I are going to hear a gillion awesome bands play for 4 days on a farm.
We'll find out if i like camping....
Sunday, April 26, 2009
It is all about Me.
I've gotten numerous emails and requests for a blog update...but with two incredibly busy weekends back to back this is the first chance i've had to sit down to tell you about all of the wonderful things that have been happening in my cyberworld absence.
Last Weekend Alpha Kappa Psi (the business fraternity i was in) held their annual Just Cause event and for some odd reason they decided to give the proceeds to me and my numerous medical bills.
So Thursday night i traveled back to my old stomping grounds to spend the night with the wonderful Stacy Hannah whom i had not seen in quite some time. Got a chance to grab some Boli's pizza (a greenville staple...seriously) and some beers and gossip and whatnot. Tragically she had to leave town at lunch on Friday...so to use my time wisely i sought out an undergraduate admissions counselor to talk about getting back into school since treatments are going well and i'm super "stable" and so on and so forth. She was helpful so that was good.
Then i got a phone call from Jeff (a good greenville friend from the olden days) who wanted to go to ham's and share a beer in the sunshine (marvelous idea since the weather was superb) then we met up with Taylor on another restaurant patio so explain to Jeff the importance of being able to laugh at cancer. (Taylor is my bff who had Lung Cancer last year) Jeff hates my cancer jokes...he doesn't crack a smile at any of them. And its hard to explain to a "well" person that its either laugh or cry and let's be honest...i'm not big on tears. At all. So jokes it is! Yay! Har Har. Ha ha. Chuckles and etc.
So Friday night was the big event at the Tank. (when i was there it was the element...which is where Jamie bartended for the year that we lived together) <- excess info...sorry just want you to feel like you're there...
At Amy's i was in the shower when hannah peeked her head around the curtain to let me know that we were finally in the same city, in the same Room! which basically made me the happiest person on the planet. So we arrived a bit late, and when we got there a decent crowd had already started to form...and everytime i turned around there was another brother from the fraternity ready with a hug and a smile and a few times i turned around to find best friends that have moved far away (Alli and Sarah) that i miss Tremendously! All in all it was an amazing night.
I dont care if they only raised ten dollars...having ALL of my ECU best friends in ONE place at the SAME time is an amazing gift. Not to be depressing but who knows when it will happen again...with cancer i have this sense of urgency to spend as much time with the people that i love as often as possible. There are no words for what Just Cause gave me...there is no price tag for the amazing support system i have. I hope everyone reading this is lucky enough to have these sort of people around them...the kind that will cut out of work early and drive hours just for one night with you. The kind that sends weekly cards, daily phone calls or texts, or gchat messages. i've said it before and i'll say it again. I have the BEST best friends on the planet.
So i guess its fair to say Friday night was a success.
(And a quick I love you to Stephanie Larson who was the Chair for the event...you are so amazing!)
Saturday night i got to have some Bottoms girls time with Micheal Dickerson (who has quickly turned into one of my favorite people) And to be in the same state as Alli B was freakin awesome...sigh i miss you Alli! (yay memorial day wkd)
Sunday Amy, Mark, Alli, Micheal and I went to breakfast at Cracker Barrell...it was a tough goodbye in that parking lot. i actually stayed way longer than i was supposed too...whoops.
Becausssse Sunday afternoon was the Relay for Life survivor luncheon.
I will be honest i did not want to go. but mom made me. it was alright i guess...
there were some moments that did make a dent in my emotional armor.
There was a woman there who was 92. and a survivor.
There was a 50 YEAR survivor.
There were two women sitting at different tables across the aisle from us. One had been diagnosed three weeks prior, the other one and a half. They turned to one another in tears and hugged as though they had known one another all of there lives. i guess Cancer does that to you.
Onto Relay for Life...Our team name was All about Kim (or that's what the tshirt said)
We got there early to set up and get a good parking spot and avoid traffic (which totally worked)
During the opening ceremonies they have all of the survivors (labeled as such on their purple RfL tshirts) sit in the visitors stands so Taylor (who i made register and get a shirt) and I along with Debbie (one of my mom's best friends who also has cancer) sit down together in the sea of purple (it was almost like being at an ECU football game) and listen to the opening stuff...they raised somewhere around 300,000 dollars i believe?
OH, ok so we all know how much i do not like being the center of attention in a swarm of strangers (so not my scene) well the honorary chairman was the Chief of Police (my team was the police department) well...he gets up to make his speech and he's talking blah blah blah and i'm praying to God that he doesn't mention my name and he says our team is all about kim for...
and his microphone cuts out. so no one hears my name (this is how i know God loves me and answers prayers) which was hilarious. So its time for the survivors lap and we get to walking and i see Ms. Bottoms, and Rex and i'm looking for my parents and find mom standing in the bleachers crying then further down is Grandma, Papa and Myra then i find Dad and Stacy further along. Then there's the caregiver lap to mom and dad come join us and as i'm asking if they've seen jennifer i spot her in the bleachers taking pictures with her new lens (that she got that afternoon hoorah!) and I grab Chuck, Gayle and Colby for a lap and Lisa is jumping up and down at the fence to get my attention and i realize that my whole family is there almost. for me.
and i'm almost overwhelmed with love for this crazy family tree that i was lucky enough to be a leaf on. And as the night progresses Mary Adelaide comes to walk with me and her sister (taylor) and as night falls they start lighting the lumenaries and in the stands they spell out Hope which the night is full of. and they have the survivors go to their lumenaries (i have 11...i felt popular) and they have a moment of silence and i'm thinking about all of the families that have lost someone to cancer and its almost hearbreaking until i look back into the stands and they have rearranged Hope to say CURE and i decide that one day we will have one. And its the reason thousands of people come and walk so they can be apart of one day finding the Cure to Cancer. And as the breeze blows i definitely feel like God is in that stadium dancing in the flames of the hundreds of lumenaries (not sure if i'm spelling that correctly but who cares) and I know that he is listening in to all of the prayers being silently prayed all around the track and answering each one in his own way. It was definitely a God is Good moment. nothing but good vibes. positive energy. all of these people who have nothing in common but cancer, coming together to do something good. for strangers. for people they don't know and might never know. The good in people is sometimes astounding. and staggering. and for a 24 year old girl who never thought this would happen to her its unbelievable. but it gives me Hope. which i think is the reason why i will undoubtedly be back at Relay next year. For a large dose of something the world usually has so little of.
I also did the live interview with Geneivive for the ten oclock news. which was exciting. i guess.
(i think it may have been my big break into the entertainment biz) (but i'm not really looking to quit my day job just yet...still waiting to hear back from ECU about getting into summer school.)
Here's Hoping!
Last Weekend Alpha Kappa Psi (the business fraternity i was in) held their annual Just Cause event and for some odd reason they decided to give the proceeds to me and my numerous medical bills.
So Thursday night i traveled back to my old stomping grounds to spend the night with the wonderful Stacy Hannah whom i had not seen in quite some time. Got a chance to grab some Boli's pizza (a greenville staple...seriously) and some beers and gossip and whatnot. Tragically she had to leave town at lunch on Friday...so to use my time wisely i sought out an undergraduate admissions counselor to talk about getting back into school since treatments are going well and i'm super "stable" and so on and so forth. She was helpful so that was good.
Then i got a phone call from Jeff (a good greenville friend from the olden days) who wanted to go to ham's and share a beer in the sunshine (marvelous idea since the weather was superb) then we met up with Taylor on another restaurant patio so explain to Jeff the importance of being able to laugh at cancer. (Taylor is my bff who had Lung Cancer last year) Jeff hates my cancer jokes...he doesn't crack a smile at any of them. And its hard to explain to a "well" person that its either laugh or cry and let's be honest...i'm not big on tears. At all. So jokes it is! Yay! Har Har. Ha ha. Chuckles and etc.
So Friday night was the big event at the Tank. (when i was there it was the element...which is where Jamie bartended for the year that we lived together) <- excess info...sorry just want you to feel like you're there...
At Amy's i was in the shower when hannah peeked her head around the curtain to let me know that we were finally in the same city, in the same Room! which basically made me the happiest person on the planet. So we arrived a bit late, and when we got there a decent crowd had already started to form...and everytime i turned around there was another brother from the fraternity ready with a hug and a smile and a few times i turned around to find best friends that have moved far away (Alli and Sarah) that i miss Tremendously! All in all it was an amazing night.
I dont care if they only raised ten dollars...having ALL of my ECU best friends in ONE place at the SAME time is an amazing gift. Not to be depressing but who knows when it will happen again...with cancer i have this sense of urgency to spend as much time with the people that i love as often as possible. There are no words for what Just Cause gave me...there is no price tag for the amazing support system i have. I hope everyone reading this is lucky enough to have these sort of people around them...the kind that will cut out of work early and drive hours just for one night with you. The kind that sends weekly cards, daily phone calls or texts, or gchat messages. i've said it before and i'll say it again. I have the BEST best friends on the planet.
So i guess its fair to say Friday night was a success.
(And a quick I love you to Stephanie Larson who was the Chair for the event...you are so amazing!)
Saturday night i got to have some Bottoms girls time with Micheal Dickerson (who has quickly turned into one of my favorite people) And to be in the same state as Alli B was freakin awesome...sigh i miss you Alli! (yay memorial day wkd)
Sunday Amy, Mark, Alli, Micheal and I went to breakfast at Cracker Barrell...it was a tough goodbye in that parking lot. i actually stayed way longer than i was supposed too...whoops.
Becausssse Sunday afternoon was the Relay for Life survivor luncheon.
I will be honest i did not want to go. but mom made me. it was alright i guess...
there were some moments that did make a dent in my emotional armor.
There was a woman there who was 92. and a survivor.
There was a 50 YEAR survivor.
There were two women sitting at different tables across the aisle from us. One had been diagnosed three weeks prior, the other one and a half. They turned to one another in tears and hugged as though they had known one another all of there lives. i guess Cancer does that to you.
Onto Relay for Life...Our team name was All about Kim (or that's what the tshirt said)
We got there early to set up and get a good parking spot and avoid traffic (which totally worked)
During the opening ceremonies they have all of the survivors (labeled as such on their purple RfL tshirts) sit in the visitors stands so Taylor (who i made register and get a shirt) and I along with Debbie (one of my mom's best friends who also has cancer) sit down together in the sea of purple (it was almost like being at an ECU football game) and listen to the opening stuff...they raised somewhere around 300,000 dollars i believe?
OH, ok so we all know how much i do not like being the center of attention in a swarm of strangers (so not my scene) well the honorary chairman was the Chief of Police (my team was the police department) well...he gets up to make his speech and he's talking blah blah blah and i'm praying to God that he doesn't mention my name and he says our team is all about kim for...
and his microphone cuts out. so no one hears my name (this is how i know God loves me and answers prayers) which was hilarious. So its time for the survivors lap and we get to walking and i see Ms. Bottoms, and Rex and i'm looking for my parents and find mom standing in the bleachers crying then further down is Grandma, Papa and Myra then i find Dad and Stacy further along. Then there's the caregiver lap to mom and dad come join us and as i'm asking if they've seen jennifer i spot her in the bleachers taking pictures with her new lens (that she got that afternoon hoorah!) and I grab Chuck, Gayle and Colby for a lap and Lisa is jumping up and down at the fence to get my attention and i realize that my whole family is there almost. for me.
and i'm almost overwhelmed with love for this crazy family tree that i was lucky enough to be a leaf on. And as the night progresses Mary Adelaide comes to walk with me and her sister (taylor) and as night falls they start lighting the lumenaries and in the stands they spell out Hope which the night is full of. and they have the survivors go to their lumenaries (i have 11...i felt popular) and they have a moment of silence and i'm thinking about all of the families that have lost someone to cancer and its almost hearbreaking until i look back into the stands and they have rearranged Hope to say CURE and i decide that one day we will have one. And its the reason thousands of people come and walk so they can be apart of one day finding the Cure to Cancer. And as the breeze blows i definitely feel like God is in that stadium dancing in the flames of the hundreds of lumenaries (not sure if i'm spelling that correctly but who cares) and I know that he is listening in to all of the prayers being silently prayed all around the track and answering each one in his own way. It was definitely a God is Good moment. nothing but good vibes. positive energy. all of these people who have nothing in common but cancer, coming together to do something good. for strangers. for people they don't know and might never know. The good in people is sometimes astounding. and staggering. and for a 24 year old girl who never thought this would happen to her its unbelievable. but it gives me Hope. which i think is the reason why i will undoubtedly be back at Relay next year. For a large dose of something the world usually has so little of.
I also did the live interview with Geneivive for the ten oclock news. which was exciting. i guess.
(i think it may have been my big break into the entertainment biz) (but i'm not really looking to quit my day job just yet...still waiting to hear back from ECU about getting into summer school.)
Here's Hoping!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
YOU are my shrink.
well. hi. Today i don't really have a cancer update...more of a life update. My next doc appointment isn't until friday...well actually i have an appointment on Monday with a shrink. a counselor. a pychiatrist (sp). a female listener. whatever you want to call it. I'm not sure if i mentioned in my last blog that my mom really wanted me to talk to someone about all that i had going on. and apparently my blog doesn't count as venting or talking or getting things off my chest. so as much as i'd like to think that my shrink just happens to be those who feel the need to read my ramblings...i am wrong according to my mother.
So this shrink lady is either going to be a really bad idea or a really good one. (i'll let you know after monday)
Also, a week and a half ago i got my new wheels. 06 Jeep Liberty of the silver variety.
It doesn't have a name yet but i'm getting a feel for it...For those interested Gilbert is sitting sadly under a tree. I will probably shed real tears when he's gone for good. (LOTS of good times in Gilbert, he's been loyal for 8 whole years...well when he wasn't breaking down on I-40 or smoking his way down highway 11... He's only been in one accident that i still blame on TJ and until recently had all of his hubcaps.) Jess and Chrissy probably spent the most time in my cherished taurus...its been the setting for tears and laughter...water fights and makeouts (not with jess or chrissy to clarify) i'm feeling sentimental.
Last Sunday I got a tattoo. Yep. A real one. Chrissy and I got matching pink ribbons on our left wrists. Rick at Cadillac Custom was incredibly generous with his time and extremely patient with two novices that had a firm idea of what they wanted their tattoo to look like in their mind. Poor guy sat with us for about an hour trying to iron out the details of the size and etc. Chrissy can be very demanding and detail oriented (without her this tattoo would have remained just a "good idea") And yes you're thinking to yourself "Kim got a tattoo? Doesn't she hate needles?"
Trust me...i was thinking the exact same thing...Luckily the needle thingy looks Nothing like an actual "the doctor is going to inject this thing into my vein" needle. So panic attack was kept at bay. I took a sip of wine, closed my eyes and sat really still for about 15 minutes. Then it was done. over. finished. and i was officially tatted up...Chrissy went second (which was good...her reaction would have had me running for the door) she laughed like a maniac ...which means that it hurt her. (i have some classic face pictures to use for blackmail now)
Basically this tattoo means that i can do anything.
you hear that?
I CAN DO ANYTHING!
i can get a tattoo with a severe hatred of needles.
it means that i can BEAT this stupid terrible horrific satanic grouping of abnormal cells.
i can fight. i can win.
and everytime i look down i'm reminded of that.
and i'm reminded that i'm not in this alone. My best friend has the exact same tattoo and she loves me enough to sit in that chair and have something permenantly marked on her body.
(i love you christine marie! and if these blogs ever become a book...you're getting a whole chapter to yourself plus a dedication)
Nothing else is really new. Relay for life is coming up (along with Jamie's wedding)
and My AKPsi brothers are being super awesome and having Just Cause 09 be a "kim's got cancer" thing. (it also means an ECU lovies reunion...YAY!)
see after writing this i'm feeling much better. i dont need a shrink.
maybe i'll pull a good will hunting and make some stuff up......
So this shrink lady is either going to be a really bad idea or a really good one. (i'll let you know after monday)
Also, a week and a half ago i got my new wheels. 06 Jeep Liberty of the silver variety.
It doesn't have a name yet but i'm getting a feel for it...For those interested Gilbert is sitting sadly under a tree. I will probably shed real tears when he's gone for good. (LOTS of good times in Gilbert, he's been loyal for 8 whole years...well when he wasn't breaking down on I-40 or smoking his way down highway 11... He's only been in one accident that i still blame on TJ and until recently had all of his hubcaps.) Jess and Chrissy probably spent the most time in my cherished taurus...its been the setting for tears and laughter...water fights and makeouts (not with jess or chrissy to clarify) i'm feeling sentimental.
Last Sunday I got a tattoo. Yep. A real one. Chrissy and I got matching pink ribbons on our left wrists. Rick at Cadillac Custom was incredibly generous with his time and extremely patient with two novices that had a firm idea of what they wanted their tattoo to look like in their mind. Poor guy sat with us for about an hour trying to iron out the details of the size and etc. Chrissy can be very demanding and detail oriented (without her this tattoo would have remained just a "good idea") And yes you're thinking to yourself "Kim got a tattoo? Doesn't she hate needles?"
Trust me...i was thinking the exact same thing...Luckily the needle thingy looks Nothing like an actual "the doctor is going to inject this thing into my vein" needle. So panic attack was kept at bay. I took a sip of wine, closed my eyes and sat really still for about 15 minutes. Then it was done. over. finished. and i was officially tatted up...Chrissy went second (which was good...her reaction would have had me running for the door) she laughed like a maniac ...which means that it hurt her. (i have some classic face pictures to use for blackmail now)
Basically this tattoo means that i can do anything.
you hear that?
I CAN DO ANYTHING!
i can get a tattoo with a severe hatred of needles.
it means that i can BEAT this stupid terrible horrific satanic grouping of abnormal cells.
i can fight. i can win.
and everytime i look down i'm reminded of that.
and i'm reminded that i'm not in this alone. My best friend has the exact same tattoo and she loves me enough to sit in that chair and have something permenantly marked on her body.
(i love you christine marie! and if these blogs ever become a book...you're getting a whole chapter to yourself plus a dedication)
Nothing else is really new. Relay for life is coming up (along with Jamie's wedding)
and My AKPsi brothers are being super awesome and having Just Cause 09 be a "kim's got cancer" thing. (it also means an ECU lovies reunion...YAY!)
see after writing this i'm feeling much better. i dont need a shrink.
maybe i'll pull a good will hunting and make some stuff up......
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Warning: the following may not be suitable for young children
No really, this post will probably be the most explicit. And the most angry (though i have chilled out considerably since friday morning). I apologize ahead of time for any use of profanity and if i start to make you uncomfortable with the frankness with which i talk about my boob...you can always click on the little X in the upper right corner of your screen. It will not hurt my feelings. I promise. That being said...
I'm not really sure where to start. Do i tell you about the appointment then explain what i Thought was going to happen? Or do i tell you what my expectations Were and you can watched them being dashed as i recount my fateful friday morning appointment.
In my small optimistic mind surgery was going to be my cure-all...yes the Dr. K and Becca had maybe mentioned that i would not really ever be cured...and mom and dad tried to explain that cancer would be something i had to deal with the rest of my life...But deep down i figured they were all wrong. I would have a double masectomy and all of my troubles would be over with...no boobs equals no cancer...sitting in the large waiting area of the surgery floor i was thinking the appointment would be a piece of cake. I walk in, she tells me when surgery is, I walk out...no biggie.
Instead, my surgeon (Dr. L) takes the blunt, direct approach and more forcefully than anyone before her hammers home the fact that i will not be cured. ever. not even with surgery. now that i have stage four breast cancer that has spread into bone cancer a clean bill of health is not in my future. For the first time since being diagnosed i was VERY angry with the midwife that batted my concerns aside when i was 22 which left my tumor another entire year to slowly develop and spread. I cursed her name (not specifically because i don't remember what it was...but you get the gist) and wished bodily harm upon her (not really but again you get the idea). Dr. L explains that we have 2 options.
Option 1- Have masectomy. which would leave me with only one boob on one side and a lone, long scar on the other. From there I would either...
a) wear a prothesis
b) convince and force a plastic surgeon to put in an implant
Then Dr. K would have to find a new way to keep track of what my other tumors are doing...most likely by PET scans and bone scans.
Option 2- Not have masectomy. This would make it easier to track the progress of the medicine.
Dr. L asked me a few very good thought provoking questions that she thought would make the decision making process easier.
1) Does it hurt physically?
2) Does it hurt pschyologically?
The answers were sometimes and sometimes.
It is not traumatizing for me to look at it every time i get out of the shower. But somedays I get tired of looking at it. I get tired of knowing that it is there. But the alternative of having only one breast sounds even worse. I AM ONLY 24! i am not some 50 year old (no offense) I want to be able to go to the beach in my favorite black bikini and not have this issue! I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE CANCER ANYMORE! I really just want it to go away. And as i'm having my shallow breakdown about not being able to feel normal or pretty or wear a bathing suit to the beach i start to cry. Because it is not fair. Its only the third time i've cried about Actually having cancer. The last time was when i got my hair cut (you can reread the previous blog on that if you have forgotten). I'm just a kid. and i want to have two boobs. Seriously. I dont want to take off my shirt and have one that's MIA. Its really hard to explain without sounding like a shallow ungrateful maniac. Some people have got it a lot worse than i do. But dammit i'm pissed. I want my idealistic cure-all back. And I do not want to have to live my life with stupid fucking cancer.
And i told my surgeon that it fucking sucks. And you know, she actually repeated the exact same sentiment in nearly the same words...minus the profanity of course...which is the first time a doctor has been honest...none of the "oh, we will fix you right up as long as your taking your meds and blah blah blah" she honestly told me that she could not make it better. And she was direct and sincere when she said "this really sucks"
So since she hadnt seen my boob since the day she diagnosed me she wanted to take a look to see if she could see any progress. And when she did the ultrasound she said that it looked like it had shrunk a lot. But it was shrinking from my chest wall out so the tumor was now concentrated mostly under my nipple. And being the brilliant surgeon that she is said she could do a lumpectomy (or more accurately a nipple-ectomy, though that is not a real medical term) where she would remove the nipple and the majority of the tumor that was below it. So i would have a horizontal scar going across my boob....but i would still have one! well i would have two total...but i would get to keep this boob and not be in the hospital for days or in tons of pain from a masectomy and reconstruction. And i would still be able to wear my bikini when summer hits. (Yay!)
But we have to run this all by Dr. K on the 6th when i have my monthly appointment.
And i'm still weighing all of my options and all of the pros and cons.
Maybe i'll make a Venn Diagram (haha those actually look like a set of boobs overlapping).
I'm not really sure where to start. Do i tell you about the appointment then explain what i Thought was going to happen? Or do i tell you what my expectations Were and you can watched them being dashed as i recount my fateful friday morning appointment.
In my small optimistic mind surgery was going to be my cure-all...yes the Dr. K and Becca had maybe mentioned that i would not really ever be cured...and mom and dad tried to explain that cancer would be something i had to deal with the rest of my life...But deep down i figured they were all wrong. I would have a double masectomy and all of my troubles would be over with...no boobs equals no cancer...sitting in the large waiting area of the surgery floor i was thinking the appointment would be a piece of cake. I walk in, she tells me when surgery is, I walk out...no biggie.
Instead, my surgeon (Dr. L) takes the blunt, direct approach and more forcefully than anyone before her hammers home the fact that i will not be cured. ever. not even with surgery. now that i have stage four breast cancer that has spread into bone cancer a clean bill of health is not in my future. For the first time since being diagnosed i was VERY angry with the midwife that batted my concerns aside when i was 22 which left my tumor another entire year to slowly develop and spread. I cursed her name (not specifically because i don't remember what it was...but you get the gist) and wished bodily harm upon her (not really but again you get the idea). Dr. L explains that we have 2 options.
Option 1- Have masectomy. which would leave me with only one boob on one side and a lone, long scar on the other. From there I would either...
a) wear a prothesis
b) convince and force a plastic surgeon to put in an implant
Then Dr. K would have to find a new way to keep track of what my other tumors are doing...most likely by PET scans and bone scans.
Option 2- Not have masectomy. This would make it easier to track the progress of the medicine.
Dr. L asked me a few very good thought provoking questions that she thought would make the decision making process easier.
1) Does it hurt physically?
2) Does it hurt pschyologically?
The answers were sometimes and sometimes.
It is not traumatizing for me to look at it every time i get out of the shower. But somedays I get tired of looking at it. I get tired of knowing that it is there. But the alternative of having only one breast sounds even worse. I AM ONLY 24! i am not some 50 year old (no offense) I want to be able to go to the beach in my favorite black bikini and not have this issue! I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE CANCER ANYMORE! I really just want it to go away. And as i'm having my shallow breakdown about not being able to feel normal or pretty or wear a bathing suit to the beach i start to cry. Because it is not fair. Its only the third time i've cried about Actually having cancer. The last time was when i got my hair cut (you can reread the previous blog on that if you have forgotten). I'm just a kid. and i want to have two boobs. Seriously. I dont want to take off my shirt and have one that's MIA. Its really hard to explain without sounding like a shallow ungrateful maniac. Some people have got it a lot worse than i do. But dammit i'm pissed. I want my idealistic cure-all back. And I do not want to have to live my life with stupid fucking cancer.
And i told my surgeon that it fucking sucks. And you know, she actually repeated the exact same sentiment in nearly the same words...minus the profanity of course...which is the first time a doctor has been honest...none of the "oh, we will fix you right up as long as your taking your meds and blah blah blah" she honestly told me that she could not make it better. And she was direct and sincere when she said "this really sucks"
So since she hadnt seen my boob since the day she diagnosed me she wanted to take a look to see if she could see any progress. And when she did the ultrasound she said that it looked like it had shrunk a lot. But it was shrinking from my chest wall out so the tumor was now concentrated mostly under my nipple. And being the brilliant surgeon that she is said she could do a lumpectomy (or more accurately a nipple-ectomy, though that is not a real medical term) where she would remove the nipple and the majority of the tumor that was below it. So i would have a horizontal scar going across my boob....but i would still have one! well i would have two total...but i would get to keep this boob and not be in the hospital for days or in tons of pain from a masectomy and reconstruction. And i would still be able to wear my bikini when summer hits. (Yay!)
But we have to run this all by Dr. K on the 6th when i have my monthly appointment.
And i'm still weighing all of my options and all of the pros and cons.
Maybe i'll make a Venn Diagram (haha those actually look like a set of boobs overlapping).
Saturday, February 7, 2009
a Roast Beef sandwhich
I know...there is much less time passed between this post and the previous one. But that is because i have something interesting to say. or something that i want to say.
Monday night Granny passed away.
Now she wasn't my granny by biological standards but whenever i addressed her...it was as Granny. I have worked for Joe Pate for 5 years...and all of those 5 years Granny would come in during the week and bring Joe some magazines for the shop and grab a pepsi (or water if she had a doctor's appointment) but i really remember her coming in most Sundays after church to have a roast beef sandwhich at the bar with Bob or with the rest of the family. I was there when D.L. passed away who was her son...and i was extremely sad when Joe informed me at the beginning of august that she had been diagnosed with cancer. Wednesday afternoon i stood in the florist's shop and agonized over what sort of flower, plant, bush, basket, etc to have sent over to the funeral home for the visitiation. This was my first venture of this sort and i did not want to pick the wrong thing. Just the mere thought of picking the wrong one was sending me into a panic. My first time having to choose what a grieving family would receive in the face of something so terrible. When papa passed away i was devastated but away at school and it was easier to not think of these small details. With billy and memaw i was just on the outskirts not really involved with either...But i know that someone has got to care a lot to spend the time thinking of all of the small details such as which flowers and so on. And not to take a turn for the depressing but i hope people think enough of me to take time to pick out the right flowers to send. I send hydrangeas...pink...in a basket with a pink bow. Because they made me think of her. And roast beef sandwhiches. And sundays sitting at the bar. And they made me think of my grandparents and uncle and how hard it is to do the right thing in that situation. But if you care enough, and if you make even the smallest of efforts it goes a very long way.
enough of that. Onto my cancer.
Had a check up with Dr. K on friday...things are looking nice and stable (his words not mine) he says i seem to be tolerating treatment well which is a wonderful sign (again his words not mine) well maybe he didn't say wonderful but you catch my drift. here is what he or we discussed
1) Before my shot my tumor marker went down by four...After my shot it went down by NINE. which is freakin awesome i think. He would like for me to do another round of testing (i.e. more sweetlife blogs to read) so we can see exactly how much the tumor has shrunk. the tumor marker started at 86 and is now down to 46 so he's eager to see what we've got going on next month.
2) He would like me to be a part of a trial that UNC is doing with Tamoxifen which would mean monthly trips to Franklin!!! YAY!
3) I meet with my surgeon on the 20th for a consult to get her opinion on a timeline and etc. for surgery (yay for getting new uncancer-y boobs! eventually. not immediately.)
I also asked him for some uppers to combat my fatigue. He said he could not assist me.
Bummer.
Monday night Granny passed away.
Now she wasn't my granny by biological standards but whenever i addressed her...it was as Granny. I have worked for Joe Pate for 5 years...and all of those 5 years Granny would come in during the week and bring Joe some magazines for the shop and grab a pepsi (or water if she had a doctor's appointment) but i really remember her coming in most Sundays after church to have a roast beef sandwhich at the bar with Bob or with the rest of the family. I was there when D.L. passed away who was her son...and i was extremely sad when Joe informed me at the beginning of august that she had been diagnosed with cancer. Wednesday afternoon i stood in the florist's shop and agonized over what sort of flower, plant, bush, basket, etc to have sent over to the funeral home for the visitiation. This was my first venture of this sort and i did not want to pick the wrong thing. Just the mere thought of picking the wrong one was sending me into a panic. My first time having to choose what a grieving family would receive in the face of something so terrible. When papa passed away i was devastated but away at school and it was easier to not think of these small details. With billy and memaw i was just on the outskirts not really involved with either...But i know that someone has got to care a lot to spend the time thinking of all of the small details such as which flowers and so on. And not to take a turn for the depressing but i hope people think enough of me to take time to pick out the right flowers to send. I send hydrangeas...pink...in a basket with a pink bow. Because they made me think of her. And roast beef sandwhiches. And sundays sitting at the bar. And they made me think of my grandparents and uncle and how hard it is to do the right thing in that situation. But if you care enough, and if you make even the smallest of efforts it goes a very long way.
enough of that. Onto my cancer.
Had a check up with Dr. K on friday...things are looking nice and stable (his words not mine) he says i seem to be tolerating treatment well which is a wonderful sign (again his words not mine) well maybe he didn't say wonderful but you catch my drift. here is what he or we discussed
1) Before my shot my tumor marker went down by four...After my shot it went down by NINE. which is freakin awesome i think. He would like for me to do another round of testing (i.e. more sweetlife blogs to read) so we can see exactly how much the tumor has shrunk. the tumor marker started at 86 and is now down to 46 so he's eager to see what we've got going on next month.
2) He would like me to be a part of a trial that UNC is doing with Tamoxifen which would mean monthly trips to Franklin!!! YAY!
3) I meet with my surgeon on the 20th for a consult to get her opinion on a timeline and etc. for surgery (yay for getting new uncancer-y boobs! eventually. not immediately.)
I also asked him for some uppers to combat my fatigue. He said he could not assist me.
Bummer.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
a Birthday surprise
So all of my friends are liars.
All of my family members are liars.
Even my co-workers are liars.
Very sneaky people. ALL of them.
And i love them for it. I finally had my first surprise birthday party!
Now i've planned them...which is totally different. I remember steven programming me into his phone as "mom" to get misha to his house for the one we had planned for him senior year of high school. But, i'm not a fan of surprises. But only because i do not relish the idea of looking stupid.
Regardless, my family and friends were planning this for months and i had no idea whatsoever. I spent an entire four days with Hannah who was secretly talking to Chrissy right in front of me and i was clueless. (shows how intelligent i am) all of these people pitched in to do something nice for me. and with the turnout that we had i'm feeling slightly more popular than usual. PTs was packed full of people who love me and care about my well being and want me to be happy.
What an amazing support group!
speaking of which my mom wants me to think about joining one.But i think for now i'm ok without. (just a sidenote)
Back to my own awesome support group...I appreciate everyone taking the time out of their friday night to stop by. I appreciate the cards, and etc that people gave or sent. I hope that everyone knows how much they mean to me even if i am unable to say it in person.
Ok enough about my birthday...(which lasted all weekend!) ok well really fast i want to say a quick i love you to Christine Deaver who more than made up for not making it to my 21st birthday three years ago when she was abroad in london (i will never mention it again) Saturday night was amazingggg and Sunday night you were a bad influence.
Oh and i quick thank you and i love you to all of the bffs who travelled to wilmington in order to celebrate my birthday with me in person. And a quick I still love you to all of those who had made plans to come that were interupted by meanie bosses and other unforseeable events.
OK really i'm finished on my birthday.
On to cancer...Last appointment was boring. I had a lab nurse who sucked and blew the vein out in my hand then another who had to try twice to stab me to get blood while i silently shed many a tear...nurse number two suggested that we put a note on my file saying that i should have my blood drawn through my port. (i thought this was brilliant and wondered why it hadn't been suggested before) also, doc says that things look the same...tumor marker went down but there is still no real physical change. Other than my really freaking awesome hot flashes.
Hot flashes. God's curse upon me. Do you know how hard it is to sleep while you are on fire? PRETTY DAMN HARD! i do not ever want to die in a house fire or from heat stroke. it is torturous! trying to find a cool spot on the sheets is like hunting for a needle in a haystack. Then after i finally find one the hot flash is over and i'm freezing and shivering like i'm sitting at the north pole!
Oh and then my arm was bothering me so Mom freaks out which leads to her insisting that i call Marie (doc's nurse...my fav) who talked to Becca (the PA) who insisted i come in for a little looksie. She and Doc then suggested that i have a ultrasound doplar thingy done of my arm to see if it was possibly a blood clot (which would have been a very bad side effect since they can kill you) so i go to the appointment which was in the middle of my two day cancer depression and i was kinda rude to the nurses at the front desk (i apologize profusely) and then this guy who was very chatty put me in a cold room on a cold table and smeared cold goo on my arm and neck...he found nothing. but he asked me a lot of questions that i tried to answer through chattering teeth. when that was over i got to go pick up my rental car and cruise west to Winston Salem for a four day vacation with Hannah. A well timed one at that since i was starting to relish the funk i was in. But i was on my phone checking my email that day when i received one from the one and only Al Dame. It was a quick one. Just to say he was thinking Good Thoughts for me. and i was instantly more cheerful. Al also has the dreaded C word...and its been wonderfully thearaputic to send short emails back and forth saying hey thinking of you and stay positive. Because it means that someone is out there feeling the same as me...and rooting for me nevertheless...even with all of the stuff he has going on. (I think of you often Big Al! I love you!)
and i know that there are lots more people who feel like i do. So if you're one of them...I'm thinking good thoughts for you. (obviously they are generic since i'm not exactly sure who you are...) but they are good thoughts regardless. And even if you dont have cancer...i'm thinking good thoughts for you too. (Everyone needs them at some point or another)
So i have another check up on the 6th. And i'm heading to Chapel Hill for another genetic test on the 13th. whoo hoo.
All of my family members are liars.
Even my co-workers are liars.
Very sneaky people. ALL of them.
And i love them for it. I finally had my first surprise birthday party!
Now i've planned them...which is totally different. I remember steven programming me into his phone as "mom" to get misha to his house for the one we had planned for him senior year of high school. But, i'm not a fan of surprises. But only because i do not relish the idea of looking stupid.
Regardless, my family and friends were planning this for months and i had no idea whatsoever. I spent an entire four days with Hannah who was secretly talking to Chrissy right in front of me and i was clueless. (shows how intelligent i am) all of these people pitched in to do something nice for me. and with the turnout that we had i'm feeling slightly more popular than usual. PTs was packed full of people who love me and care about my well being and want me to be happy.
What an amazing support group!
speaking of which my mom wants me to think about joining one.But i think for now i'm ok without. (just a sidenote)
Back to my own awesome support group...I appreciate everyone taking the time out of their friday night to stop by. I appreciate the cards, and etc that people gave or sent. I hope that everyone knows how much they mean to me even if i am unable to say it in person.
Ok enough about my birthday...(which lasted all weekend!) ok well really fast i want to say a quick i love you to Christine Deaver who more than made up for not making it to my 21st birthday three years ago when she was abroad in london (i will never mention it again) Saturday night was amazingggg and Sunday night you were a bad influence.
Oh and i quick thank you and i love you to all of the bffs who travelled to wilmington in order to celebrate my birthday with me in person. And a quick I still love you to all of those who had made plans to come that were interupted by meanie bosses and other unforseeable events.
OK really i'm finished on my birthday.
On to cancer...Last appointment was boring. I had a lab nurse who sucked and blew the vein out in my hand then another who had to try twice to stab me to get blood while i silently shed many a tear...nurse number two suggested that we put a note on my file saying that i should have my blood drawn through my port. (i thought this was brilliant and wondered why it hadn't been suggested before) also, doc says that things look the same...tumor marker went down but there is still no real physical change. Other than my really freaking awesome hot flashes.
Hot flashes. God's curse upon me. Do you know how hard it is to sleep while you are on fire? PRETTY DAMN HARD! i do not ever want to die in a house fire or from heat stroke. it is torturous! trying to find a cool spot on the sheets is like hunting for a needle in a haystack. Then after i finally find one the hot flash is over and i'm freezing and shivering like i'm sitting at the north pole!
Oh and then my arm was bothering me so Mom freaks out which leads to her insisting that i call Marie (doc's nurse...my fav) who talked to Becca (the PA) who insisted i come in for a little looksie. She and Doc then suggested that i have a ultrasound doplar thingy done of my arm to see if it was possibly a blood clot (which would have been a very bad side effect since they can kill you) so i go to the appointment which was in the middle of my two day cancer depression and i was kinda rude to the nurses at the front desk (i apologize profusely) and then this guy who was very chatty put me in a cold room on a cold table and smeared cold goo on my arm and neck...he found nothing. but he asked me a lot of questions that i tried to answer through chattering teeth. when that was over i got to go pick up my rental car and cruise west to Winston Salem for a four day vacation with Hannah. A well timed one at that since i was starting to relish the funk i was in. But i was on my phone checking my email that day when i received one from the one and only Al Dame. It was a quick one. Just to say he was thinking Good Thoughts for me. and i was instantly more cheerful. Al also has the dreaded C word...and its been wonderfully thearaputic to send short emails back and forth saying hey thinking of you and stay positive. Because it means that someone is out there feeling the same as me...and rooting for me nevertheless...even with all of the stuff he has going on. (I think of you often Big Al! I love you!)
and i know that there are lots more people who feel like i do. So if you're one of them...I'm thinking good thoughts for you. (obviously they are generic since i'm not exactly sure who you are...) but they are good thoughts regardless. And even if you dont have cancer...i'm thinking good thoughts for you too. (Everyone needs them at some point or another)
So i have another check up on the 6th. And i'm heading to Chapel Hill for another genetic test on the 13th. whoo hoo.
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