Saturday, January 31, 2009

a Birthday surprise

So all of my friends are liars.
All of my family members are liars.
Even my co-workers are liars.

Very sneaky people. ALL of them.

And i love them for it. I finally had my first surprise birthday party!
Now i've planned them...which is totally different. I remember steven programming me into his phone as "mom" to get misha to his house for the one we had planned for him senior year of high school. But, i'm not a fan of surprises. But only because i do not relish the idea of looking stupid.

Regardless, my family and friends were planning this for months and i had no idea whatsoever. I spent an entire four days with Hannah who was secretly talking to Chrissy right in front of me and i was clueless. (shows how intelligent i am) all of these people pitched in to do something nice for me. and with the turnout that we had i'm feeling slightly more popular than usual. PTs was packed full of people who love me and care about my well being and want me to be happy.

What an amazing support group!

speaking of which my mom wants me to think about joining one.But i think for now i'm ok without. (just a sidenote)

Back to my own awesome support group...I appreciate everyone taking the time out of their friday night to stop by. I appreciate the cards, and etc that people gave or sent. I hope that everyone knows how much they mean to me even if i am unable to say it in person.

Ok enough about my birthday...(which lasted all weekend!) ok well really fast i want to say a quick i love you to Christine Deaver who more than made up for not making it to my 21st birthday three years ago when she was abroad in london (i will never mention it again) Saturday night was amazingggg and Sunday night you were a bad influence.

Oh and i quick thank you and i love you to all of the bffs who travelled to wilmington in order to celebrate my birthday with me in person. And a quick I still love you to all of those who had made plans to come that were interupted by meanie bosses and other unforseeable events.

OK really i'm finished on my birthday.

On to cancer...Last appointment was boring. I had a lab nurse who sucked and blew the vein out in my hand then another who had to try twice to stab me to get blood while i silently shed many a tear...nurse number two suggested that we put a note on my file saying that i should have my blood drawn through my port. (i thought this was brilliant and wondered why it hadn't been suggested before) also, doc says that things look the same...tumor marker went down but there is still no real physical change. Other than my really freaking awesome hot flashes.

Hot flashes. God's curse upon me. Do you know how hard it is to sleep while you are on fire? PRETTY DAMN HARD! i do not ever want to die in a house fire or from heat stroke. it is torturous! trying to find a cool spot on the sheets is like hunting for a needle in a haystack. Then after i finally find one the hot flash is over and i'm freezing and shivering like i'm sitting at the north pole!

Oh and then my arm was bothering me so Mom freaks out which leads to her insisting that i call Marie (doc's fav) who talked to Becca (the PA) who insisted i come in for a little looksie. She and Doc then suggested that i have a ultrasound doplar thingy done of my arm to see if it was possibly a blood clot (which would have been a very bad side effect since they can kill you) so i go to the appointment which was in the middle of my two day cancer depression and i was kinda rude to the nurses at the front desk (i apologize profusely) and then this guy who was very chatty put me in a cold room on a cold table and smeared cold goo on my arm and neck...he found nothing. but he asked me a lot of questions that i tried to answer through chattering teeth. when that was over i got to go pick up my rental car and cruise west to Winston Salem for a four day vacation with Hannah. A well timed one at that since i was starting to relish the funk i was in. But i was on my phone checking my email that day when i received one from the one and only Al Dame. It was a quick one. Just to say he was thinking Good Thoughts for me. and i was instantly more cheerful. Al also has the dreaded C word...and its been wonderfully thearaputic to send short emails back and forth saying hey thinking of you and stay positive. Because it means that someone is out there feeling the same as me...and rooting for me nevertheless...even with all of the stuff he has going on. (I think of you often Big Al! I love you!)
and i know that there are lots more people who feel like i do. So if you're one of them...I'm thinking good thoughts for you. (obviously they are generic since i'm not exactly sure who you are...) but they are good thoughts regardless. And even if you dont have cancer...i'm thinking good thoughts for you too. (Everyone needs them at some point or another)

So i have another check up on the 6th. And i'm heading to Chapel Hill for another genetic test on the 13th. whoo hoo.

Friday, January 9, 2009

i am always hot

So before you guys become toooo upset i will apologize for my lack of blogging (i completely missed the month of december) I've been working an intense amount of hours and sleeping when i'm not at work. Quick recap...
Thanksgiving was good.
Christmas was even better.

i am officially in love with my family.
Christmas dinner we opened presents in the dark because the power was out.
But in traditional Miller style we made the most of it

Quick interlude: currently watching 27 dresses. its currently my favorite scene where they're singing bennie and the jets. so i'm currently laughing a lot.

ok back to christmas and yes the recap conclusion is...I had a wonderful Holiday Season.

Ok for the real reason that you are here. to catch up on my cancer.

My December appointment led off with a rookie nurse doing my lab work (she actually hit the vein on try number one which was awesommme) Then while meeting with Dr. K found out that i am a poor processor of Tamoxifen so my body wasn't able to get the full benefits of the medicine which was why there was no real physical change in the tumor. So Dr. K decided he wanted to put me on the Lupron shot which essentially turns off my ovaries and sends me into menopause. It also gives me gnarly mood swings, terrible hot flashes and no menstrual cycles (yes i just used the term menstrual cycles from the stepping stones class in middle school) figured technical term would be less embarrassing...turns out its embarrassing regardless.

moving right along. since getting the shot I've been pretty unpleasant at times and i am always hot then freezing seconds wect my coat goes on and off again dozens of times in the span of one news cast. its terribly inconvenient at the restaurant when i'm running in circles and can only take off so much clothing. the worst though is when i'm sleeping it feels like i'm waking up in the midst of a forest of flames. Sounds awesome...i know!

A second ago i was going through some pictures on facebook. And not even realizing it i started categorizing them as Pre- Cancer and During Cancer. August 20th 2008 such a defining moment. Before cancer i was heading back to school with my long flowing golden locks. Now i'm meeting with my oncologist every 4 weeks, in menopause, with kickass bangs, more sweatpants than a person really needs, taking naps at every and any opportunity and working a ridiculous amount of hours for someone with cancer.

I keep hearing that i'm an inspiration.

You know what i find inspiring?
all the people who put up with me. on a daily basis. it cannot be easy, or pleasant.
and all the people who have found the time to send good thoughts or prayers my way.
with so much more important things happening in the world today. i feel as though me and my boob cancer should be grateful that so many people are thinking of us. well you know...thinking of me. not necessarily thinking of my boob. or my cancer. oh geez you know what i mean.

I have another doc appointment tomorrow (well since its one in the morning technically today) i have my monthly check up so i promise to update sooner rather than later.