Friday, August 29, 2008

Going through the Big C and i don't mean Cancer

ok so we last left off with me heading into the wild beyond for my PET scan.
first things first...there was not a nurse satan. (thank heavens) howeverrrrr
there was a Nurse almost McHottie. he would have been hot. had he not been a nurse.
he did not stab me. one stift stab at the wrist and TA-DA! needle neatly inserted with NO TEARS! (see it can be done) however it was filled with radioactive glucose. i could end up turning into a super hero. i'll leave you guys to come up with possible superhero names...

so the pet scan goes smoothly. i go by PTs for some fries and to get a Joey P fix since i miss my boss A LOT! and as much as i know at that time of day none of my regulars will be there i was secretly hoping that maybe at least one would be sitting at the bar. bc honestly...i miss my regulars...i hope wesley isn't cheating on his fries and that someone is remembering bob likes his burger well done. (pathetic i know...but they're like an extended family). but i digress.

after PTs i go home to hang before the big C. C for CUT. as in HAIR CUT. dreading it. horribly.

we get to karen and mom gets hers cut first. then its my turn. she starts to snip. i start to sniffle. eventually sniffling turns into a meltdown (its funny was NOT funny then) which turns into me shoving all hands away from anywhere near me and stuffing my hair into a ponytail and basically bolting out of the place. Poor Karen! now that i've gotten used to it...its not too bad. it actually looks ok. its just way shorter than anything i'm used to. that turned into another night that i didn't speak to anyone. well that's a lie. my mom answered my phone and i eventually called some people back.

Thursday was the port placement surgery. they ask a bunch of questions, do a pregnancy test (negative in case you were interested), then stick me with a needle courtesy of...nurse satan (another one... i know!)...the really interesting thing is that in order to have this sugery i had to be completely naked. i would have rather been able to at least wear my underwear. so i get the special juice and wake up hungry (had not eaten since 10 the night before) surprise surprise...craving some pizza and in painnnnnnn.

ps Hannah is here so these stories are now going to be reader digest versions

i get pain pills. my mom springs me from the joint. and we race home so that i can have some thin crust pepperoni pizza and bread sticks from pizza hut. Chrissy and Dustin come over for a while until my prescription meds send me off to la-la land. then i doze on and off the rest of the night.

finally to fridayyyyy which is HANNAH is coming to town day!
or less famously known as MRI day. also TODAY.

go to the hospital mri unit. immediately dislike both people working the desk. i go to the back and they give me double X L scrubs to put on in a disgusting maroon color. then i meet a man. a man who turns out to be a huge jackass. (pardon my language) but he was. and i told my mom that too. and i'm trying to explain my needle hangups and he's not really listening...basically i keep getting the placating and patronizing "we use small needles...blah blah blah" and i'm trying to tell him that Every nurse has used small needles...and guess what? there are tears 99.9 percent of the time. but he obviously has more important things to worry about on his friday where he should roofie college girls on his hot night out with his loser friends...

anyway. i get my head stuffed into the contraption and i would describe the inside of it to you but i had my eyes closed the whole time for sanity purposes. so three quarters of the way through they pull me out of the white tube and decide it is time to inject the dye. sooo nurse inept (a female) tries my left hand. fails. tries my right hand. fails. i am crying. nurse jackass comes to help. fails. they call down another nurse. we wait 10 minutes. two women enter...and i love them! one finds a problem. and wha- la! i'm almost done.

hours later i find myself sitting at my computer reflecting back on my week of daily testing and stabbing. and i come to this conclusion.

i am never being a blood donor.

hannah's patiently waiting for me to finish so she can read it.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I said the F word in front of my mother

so yesterday was the first really terrible day i've had since this whole debacle began.

i wasn't allowed to eat starting at 945 or have anything to drink...and i'm sure you all know me rather well and are aware of my extreme love of all things needless to say i arrived at my appointment with a growling stomach and a cranky attitude. The nurse calls my name, i go through the big double doors and sit in the chair by this contraption that looks like it could be a portal to some black hole in space. I am THEN informed i have to drink more of the hellacious concoction (this time vanilla flavored...just as terrible!) then i lay on the table thingy that will transport me in and out of space and am terrified to find that they have to inject me with something.

when i had staph infections i had to endure a lot of needles
when i stepped on a wine glass and needed stitches there was a needle
when i went to the dentist once there was a needle
Friday i had labs drawn more needles
Monday they had to inject a tracer which meant a needle
Yesterday they had to shoot me up with some dye which meant a needle.
I HATE NEEDLES. can we say tears and panic attacks?!

so monday the nurses had a hard time finding a vein which led to nurse satan digging around in both arms before calling in nurse angel who was talented in the way of the vein (regardless i shed tears) so when i went yesterday i mentioned (as always) that i hate needles and if i begin to cry to just stick the damn thing in and ignore me. (this was hard to do yesterday) (sobbing is not nearly as lowkey) i also mentioned that the vein in my right hand looks like my best one...
so nurse satan sticks the needle in and is like on a scavenger hunt trying to poke my vein...well she gets it in and it blows out on her (which hurts) so she calls in nurse lucifer who takes a hold of my left arm and soon i'm in a torture chamber while they search for a decent vein to stab into. Meanwhile i'm in near hysterics (my bad...can't help it) so when its all over mom and i exit the building...and here is what happens....

i turn to my mother "i am about to say a bad word"
mother "ok"
me "this fucking sucks"
mother "i know"

this is all said while i'm crying big crocodile tears and railing off on how i hate having cancer. seriously. i hate it.

THEN to add to the trauma we go to the wig place. we find one. we buy it. i told mom to put it somewhere i dont have to look at it. bc this is the one thing i am super MAD about.
i like my hair.
we're cutting it to my shoulders today.
devastation in smaller doses i guess.

today is my pet scan. i'm assuming it comes with a nurse satan who is going to jab me in my arm.

PS i apologize to anyone that called my cell phone yesterday. that sucker was on silent while i sat on the couch watching Greek (new favorite show) and trying to return to the cheerful upbeat disposition i had prior to yesterday. Just needed a day to myself.

be may happen again.

but i still love you guys a LOT! seriously i do! BUNCHES!

and keep the mail coming...i LOVE getting mail!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

a hellacious concoction

Today is my CT scan.

if you ever have to get one you have to drink two bottles of the most disgusting sludge on the planet. however the nurse will give you options....vanilla, apple and berry.
nurse satan helpfully added that berry was the most popular so i went with what seemed to be the tried and true.

it is gross.

dont fall for it.


there is no way this is the most popular. its horrific. terrible. and other synonyms.
however i'm halfway through bottle two. appointment is at 145. then its time for a nap since my phone started vibing at me at 728 this morning....and did not stop until it was sure i was out of bed. thanks a lot PHONE!

Monday, August 25, 2008

a diagnosis

so it begins...lets do a wierd dissolve back to wednesday.
well prior to wednesday...i felt something...knew something was a bit off.

on Wednesday (now known as C-day) i had my yearly exam...had her check the boob situation out. she was concerned. sent me to a girly surgeon.
this surgeon also checked out the situation. decided to do an ultrasound.
it had black spots (not good). she then proceeds to inform me (while i'm still half naked) that there is a pretty sweetlife chance that i have cancer....there were some tears...ok that's a lie...there were a lot of tears...and an overwhelming need to speak to my mother.
i mean seriously. i am only 23. this just doesn't happen.
i hadn't mentioned any of this to my mother. so my phone call to tell her my news was a bit of a surprise. or better yet was a completely new way to turn our lives upside down.
there was a biopsy (which hurts and the needle makes the most bizarre popping sound)
and that was it for the day...other than telling the most important people in my life that i was now rocking out with cancer. in my left breast. Grade 2. kind of serious.

Friday i met with the oncologist and the radiation oncologist.
good news...i will be cured (eventually) this type of tumor responds well to most treatments. which i guess explains why i will be getting MOST treatments. some chemo, a surgery, radiation.
more on those as the time comes

The weekend was spent with some of my best friends. Thanks to them i got some normal before all of this madness really begins. oh and thanks to Kenny Chesney. those sad country songs while intoxicated are really a killer.

Monday i had my chemo teaching basically i'll lose my hair, have no appetite, and am required to drink a ridiculous amount of fluids. Great. luckily i like water. and what girl wouldn't love the opportunity to get back to the size she was before the freshmen five hundred...i would just rather not have to barf my way there...