Monday, September 27, 2010

Blame it on the Rain

Today was a lonely day. It rained cats and dogs and I spent my afternoon after work sitting on the couch reading a depressing book while my mom sat in the chair next to me reading something that looked beach chair appropriate. I spent this past weekend either at work or at home sitting around (granted I was kinda sick and was appreciative for some quiet time but it was still just staying around the house)

I am currently crying because I am lonely. Which is crazy because I know that I am not alone. I have the world's most amazing family and friends. And I literally have two dogs squishing me into one corner of my bed as they take up all the remaining space. And my parents will be home from the grocery store anytime now. And my grandparents are just next door. But I'm feeling kinda alone.

I could call any of my friends on the phone and contently listen to them tell me about their lives and what they've been up to or are currently doing or will soon be doing. But my end of the conversation is always the same. I feel like Cancer has put my life on pause. There is never anything new and exciting happening.

...depressing post interlude...
currently fb chatting chrissy and she sent me a link to a baby porcupine eating a banana with the hicccups. slight chuckle followed.

Lately cancer has had me straddling a fence.
on one side there is experimental medication that would allow me to possibly pursue a job in broadcast...but may not work long, if at all.
on the other side there is chemo. in all of its side effect glory. known and familiar in the medical world it would be a safe bet.

so which to choose.
my original plan: Experimental...if I am even a candidate.

however, after a successful Radiation run and an intense need to rid myself of cancer I'm beginning to lean toward just going ahead and doing the Chemo. (Doing the Chemo...sounds like a new dance move..."I'm doing the chemooooo whoo hoo" It probably comes with a song that sings the directions to you like the cupid shuffle)

This is a decision that I feel like I must make by myself. It is my body. It is my quality of life.

Do I rock out on an experimental pill NOW then do chemo when it stops working?
Do I do "the chemo" NOW then rock out on pills later?

I've been listening at closed doors and open windows for any hint or indication at what is best. And God hasn't really been answering my question in the glaringly obvious way I'd like him too. Instead he has given me two weekends in Chapel Hill with Chrissy, Jamie and Mary Adelaide and a Homecoming reunion with my ALL of my ECU Loves. Which I am completely grateful for. So freaking excited for. Jumping up and down, flailing arms and going bananas.

But some direction would be nice. (Hint Hint Big Guy)

I know that as alone as I may feel. I never really actually am.


J. Haas said...

God understands that some of us need signs. Crystal clear, billboard size signs. And he will provide one for you, I have no doubt. Miss and love you!

J.Lee Photography said...

"She was so fearless, her poodle skirt had a bulldog on it..."

i love you. And nope, you're never alone. i promise.

Anonymous said...

if you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out it could spell disaster

Anonymous said...

Praying for you!