keyboard replacement equals frequent bloggies

i blame my two updates in a row on my dad finally hooking up the new keyboard (wireless...snazzy i know) i wanted to test it out...see if it was as noisy and clickity clackity as the last one...

it is not.
it is quite silent. which is a nice.

First of all i have to say this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY ADELAIDE & TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is the first year since probably 10th grade that i have not been with at least one of them to celebrate the glorious day of their births 2 years apart. i miss you guys and love you an obscene amount. (ps had dinner at your house tonight...made me miss you both even more)


Next i wanted to say:
today was a good day.

the ONLY thing raining on my little parade is the Stacy Hannah Relocation Project of 2008.
she is leaving me :(
but i do know this.........she can do anything she puts her mind to. she will grab DC by the tail and swing it overhead shouting war chants in mere months. maybe weeks even. i know she hasn't heard it from many people but...

i believe in you.

just like you believe in me.

that is just what best friends do.

today was NOT the best day ever

so i dont know if i have mentioned the ongoing joke between sports kevin and myself about everyday being the best day ever. (if not i hope it was self explainatory)

with that said today was not a best day.

quite the opposite.

today started out pretty humdrum normal...get up with puppy then sit on the couch until time to head off to the great land of hamburgers.

work was good until a friend made a bad joke at the wrong time in the midst of a terrible situation about how i was flaunting my cancer. now i have known this kid for years. and i know it wasn't meant the way it sounded. but honestly it put me off just a bit to hear someone actually say those words to me. and if i have been flaunting it for the love of all that is good i would hope someone would tell me (in a more delicate fashion) so that i could promptly put all flaunting to an end. that is the last thing i want to do. but if that is how my method of coping comes across i seriously would like to know so i can remedy the situation. i feel like its hard to take me seriously as someone with cancer when i'm not barfing or bald. and i'm definitely making a tremendous effort to carry on as if my world has not changed. yeah i think about the future and what it might have in store for me. and if the decisions we are making are the right ones. but i can't possibly think that i am flaunting it. flaunt has such a negative connotation. and negative is the last thing i need right now. especially when i find myself getting moodier and testier as time passes. positivity and sunshine only here folks!
if you can't find me a silver lining you are out of here.
if you aren't willing to go along with my jokes peace out.
if you can't maintain a happy go lucky demeanor then adios.
life is too short.

really.

it is short.

and so now i'm trying to fit in all these things that i really WANT to do.
especially now, while i can. first on my list...DC. trip planning is already in the works.

i have always been a very laid back person. floating with the current no matter the season. and just because my summer changed before i was ready for it to does not mean that it too cannot be another beautiful autumn.

nothing new

so it has begun. i am on the pill. i am moody, tired, almost barfy, and already tired of remembering to take it.

Tamoxifen is supposed to shrink/get rid of my cancer.

sounds lame. but here's hoping it works!

nothing new really to talk about...my family is still awesome, my friends are still the best, my puppy still wakes me up at all hours of the night. it's wierd...some days i forget that i have cancer...other days its all i can talk or think about. and there's really nothing earthshattering that is going to happen until its time for my surgery. so until then i take this little white thing and get hot flashes. (i should not being having to worry about menopause yet!)

OH! today Alison Goins came to town to have lunch with me!!! i've missed my twinnie!
(we were both hired at the same time at PTs...we're both short with blonde hair...people got us confused...still do apparently) and thinking of twinnie always gets me pumped for the christmas party (not too far away actually!) and the party always gets me pumped for the holiday season! yay presents! yay christmas movies! this is a terrible post and i apologize for making you all read it.

ps i also want to complain about how terrible the game was today...i had to leave my edit bay before i threw something through the tv monitor...they better shape up for homecoming!

slight delay

hey guys sorry its been so long but our house computer has broken and my laptop and wireless do not get along...(probably bc i'm stealing it)

anyway...i'll update you guys as soon as possible. love youuu all.

all the world is a Stage

so tuesday night in a cold damp drizzle my parents and I loaded up the car bid farewell to stacy and the animals then headed west toward the great tar hell mecca of Chapel Hill. i'd tell you about the trip but i spent it with headphones on watching movies on the portable dvd player.


(definately, maybe is such a cute movie! ryan reynolds is hot.) we stayed with some people who had been members of our church before they moved...(thanks betsy & bill!)


the next morning mom woke me up at 7 since my appointment was at 9 and we needed to have some breakfast. which we had at Foster's...delish...then off to unc...skipping ahead to 9 and my actual appointment.





She was french. Cecile somethingorother. Ashley her intern did most of the talking. Trying to convince me to take a test that would look for genetic mutations...(or secretly maybe they want to clone me...cool! just call me dolly (the first cloned sheep) can you imagine ANOTHER one of me? scaryyyy)

ok...i have been working on this post for several days now...probably some writer's block of some sort...

i gave them blood for the test.
my brother eric and his family gave me a wonderful present.
(themselves)
i love surprises of this sort...i didn't know they were going to drive to chapel hill just to see little ole me! and Erika is the CUTEST kid on the planet. lucky for her i'm her cool aunt Kim who does not wear shoes :) you had to be there.

So its time to meet with Dr. C. i walk into the room (after everyone else bc i was getting my blood pressure and temp taken) and everyone is kind of sitting around this one guy...who introduces himself as Jeremiah (he was very very attractive) then Dr. C comes in and i kick the family out...(there is NO reason they should be in there if i am not wearing my own clothes...call me crazy but unless i'm in MY shirt...its just me and docs...sorry mom.) Now Dr. C and J both feel for lymphnodes then she leaves and its just me and hottie...and he about to look at my cancery boobs...what a turn on. (insert barf here)

basically they tell us the same things as my beloved Dr. K....chemo or pill...both will work in different fashions...then they explain that i have stage four cancer. stage four. stage four. this is one thing i am having issues with. stage four. its all i can think about basically. i have stage four cancer. apparently i will never be cured. i am treatable. i am managable. but i am not curable.

yes i know you are saying that miracles happen...and that God can accomplish great things. but the reason i couldn't finish this post is because i have stage FOUR cancer.

this angers me.

i want to yell it at people as they are walking by me on sidewalks.

I HAVE STAGE FOUR CANCER!

this is unfair. why not stage three or two...or better yet NO cancer.

STAGE 4. gross. i am all cancery and stuff.

since this discovery i have since spent an incredibly wonderful evening with jennifer who took me out for dinner then some shopping. (she is amazing...and the best listener on the planet)
(i love you jennifer!)

and i have worked at pts. and i have watched my football team lose to state. and i have sat in the edit bay. and i have eaten an ice cream sandwhich. i am about to meet the girls out. however;
i still have cancer.

i started my hormone pill yesterday (friday) it seems so silly that this little white pill will shrink a tumor that has attatched itself to my chest wall and is pushing into my skin. it has also spread to three other places...

stage four.

i used to like stages. in high school drama. now stages are stupid. but it is all i think about.

secrets to remaining upbeat

if there was ample space i would have titled this blog

"secrets to remaining upbeat when all you really want to do is have a snarky attitude and throw things at people whilst wearing a terrible scowl on your face and stomping up and down like a 5 year old"

but alas there was not.

here is my list of things that are making it easy to remain upbeat
- people that i love come visit me. (hannah, alli, jennifer, jamie, mary adelaide)
- almost daily messages, cards, phone calls, text, messenger pigeons, etc. from HCS.
- my amazing BFFs here at home. (Chrissy & Stacy Hannah)
-getting more mail than all the other people at my house combined
-grandma's constant love and affection manifested in home cooked meals (i.e. mashed potatoes)
-pts on 17th street
-voicemails (i know i'm a terrible caller backer)
-Dr. K's academic good looks (it also helps that he's trying to cure me)
-chocolate. in any form.
-naps. when time permits.
-my puppy saylor.
-harmless cancer jokes
-the amounts of praying that's been going on
- my family (unmatched by any other!)


things that make it a bit difficult to remain upbeat
- having cancer
- looking at my hair (yeah i know it looks fine but its the principle of the matter)
- feeling like i cannot complain to much for fear i will upset someone or look whiney
- seeing my grandmother (who is my favorite person on earth if you can't tell) cry on friday.
- needles
- strange doctor's offices
- always having to be witty
- having a strange urge to cuss or barf anytime anything about breast cancer comes on tv
- missing shifts at pts when i know that i'm needed
- being tired all the time
- my parents' faces at doctor appointments
- not knowing what is going to happen in the future

and i know i have NEVER had control over that last one...but i always thought i had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen the next day, or the next one...or even the next week.
i hear the road less travelled is the best one to take...but i really would like to back up to the fork in the road August 20th and take the paved fork to the right that led straight into the horizon instead of this dirt path of a left that leads right into what looks like a forrest. and boy is it dense. and the only sunlight is peaking over treetops (a major tease to know it's there i might add) but is so far away that the hope of reaching it at all seems slight. But then God sends me one of those things on the first list i made. just in time to keep me from becoming a depressed shriveled up angry hermit. and the sun shines a little brighter and feels a little warmer. And staying upbeat isn't so hard to do at the moment...That's how i know God is watching over me. Because of his impeccable timing and extremely wonderful sense of humor, because of the people he has placed in my path, and the people he has given me from the beginning.

poison or pill?

I am currently sitting in my teeny tiny edit bay watching the ecu game against tulane on a teeny tiny monitor that Kevin (the sports guy) has routed (tv lingo) so he can have footage for the newscast...and honestly that makes me super happy.

ok time for the results of wednesday's biopsy.

met with Dr. K yesterday and he says that yes, the place in my rib is cancerous. which leads him to conclude that the spots in my arm and spine are also cancerous. this is what is commonly referred to as bad news. more cancer. great.

however. as Dr. K kept speaking the news he was spewing forth got better and better.
we have two treatment options.
#1 Chemo: fast acting treacherous poison that would have heinous side effects
#2 Hormone Pill: takes longer to get working but has the same sort of side effects as a bc pill.

hmmmm tough decision.
not really.

i'll take the pill please. thank you.

Ok i take this pill once a day and eventually my cancer stops mass producing.
yes there would still be a surgery and probably radiation...but neither of those sounds nearly as horrific as chemotherapy. (can you tell i was NOT stoked about chemo?) (stuff is the thing nightmares are made of)

PS we are going to Chapel Hill wednesday to spend the day getting second opinions and other whatnots. yay roadtrip with the parentssssss.

In other news i am now the proud mama of Saylor the 13 week old golden retreiver puppy.
she's gonna be a beast when she grows up but she's super chill and very sweet.

i'm trying to think if there is anything else of importance to relay to my newfound public but so far nothing is coming to mind. other than the fact that last night Chrissy, Drew, Jamie and I went to see the movie The Women....it was funny. and much better than i thought it was going to be.

also Alli Bottoms is home! YAY! too bad i'm working too much this weekend to bathe myself in her presence.

Again. i know i say this a lottttt but thanks for all of the prayers, cards, thoughts, hugs, etc.
i know some of the best people residing on this planet. boy am i lucky.