Thursday, September 18, 2008

all the world is a Stage

so tuesday night in a cold damp drizzle my parents and I loaded up the car bid farewell to stacy and the animals then headed west toward the great tar hell mecca of Chapel Hill. i'd tell you about the trip but i spent it with headphones on watching movies on the portable dvd player.

(definately, maybe is such a cute movie! ryan reynolds is hot.) we stayed with some people who had been members of our church before they moved...(thanks betsy & bill!)

the next morning mom woke me up at 7 since my appointment was at 9 and we needed to have some breakfast. which we had at Foster's...delish...then off to unc...skipping ahead to 9 and my actual appointment.

She was french. Cecile somethingorother. Ashley her intern did most of the talking. Trying to convince me to take a test that would look for genetic mutations...(or secretly maybe they want to clone! just call me dolly (the first cloned sheep) can you imagine ANOTHER one of me? scaryyyy)

ok...i have been working on this post for several days now...probably some writer's block of some sort...

i gave them blood for the test.
my brother eric and his family gave me a wonderful present.
i love surprises of this sort...i didn't know they were going to drive to chapel hill just to see little ole me! and Erika is the CUTEST kid on the planet. lucky for her i'm her cool aunt Kim who does not wear shoes :) you had to be there.

So its time to meet with Dr. C. i walk into the room (after everyone else bc i was getting my blood pressure and temp taken) and everyone is kind of sitting around this one guy...who introduces himself as Jeremiah (he was very very attractive) then Dr. C comes in and i kick the family out...(there is NO reason they should be in there if i am not wearing my own me crazy but unless i'm in MY shirt...its just me and docs...sorry mom.) Now Dr. C and J both feel for lymphnodes then she leaves and its just me and hottie...and he about to look at my cancery boobs...what a turn on. (insert barf here)

basically they tell us the same things as my beloved Dr. K....chemo or pill...both will work in different fashions...then they explain that i have stage four cancer. stage four. stage four. this is one thing i am having issues with. stage four. its all i can think about basically. i have stage four cancer. apparently i will never be cured. i am treatable. i am managable. but i am not curable.

yes i know you are saying that miracles happen...and that God can accomplish great things. but the reason i couldn't finish this post is because i have stage FOUR cancer.

this angers me.

i want to yell it at people as they are walking by me on sidewalks.


this is unfair. why not stage three or two...or better yet NO cancer.

STAGE 4. gross. i am all cancery and stuff.

since this discovery i have since spent an incredibly wonderful evening with jennifer who took me out for dinner then some shopping. (she is amazing...and the best listener on the planet)
(i love you jennifer!)

and i have worked at pts. and i have watched my football team lose to state. and i have sat in the edit bay. and i have eaten an ice cream sandwhich. i am about to meet the girls out. however;
i still have cancer.

i started my hormone pill yesterday (friday) it seems so silly that this little white pill will shrink a tumor that has attatched itself to my chest wall and is pushing into my skin. it has also spread to three other places...

stage four.

i used to like stages. in high school drama. now stages are stupid. but it is all i think about.


Jennifer W. Meyers said...

I love you too Kim!!! And I love you more than Stage 4. It's closer to like Stage 1000.

HCS said...

You are all I think about! AND EVERYONE ELSE TOO!

I love you! said...

Call me when you have time, I want to talk to you. I know you are mad and terrified. But Kim, I don't know how or why, but I have this feeling that you are going to be cured. Please continue to know and believe in prayer and miracles. You are one already. You are lifted up in prayer, try and let go of your fear and anger and trust God. He is good, and wants ONLY the best for you. Love you.Nancy B.

J. Haas said...

I love you and am thinking and praying for you constantly.

christy porter said...

2, 4, or 50. Numbers schumbers. If your ever frustrated and wanna yell obscenities at someone, I'm down:) You know where I'm at if you need it. Love You.